In recent days I have felt so much, too much… yet nothing at all. Nothing obviously touches me. But I feel everything.
I struggle with resistance, still trying to fold itself into acceptance.
I struggle with agitation, still trying to fold into flow.
I feel anxiety.
I feel anger.
I am angry that things are the way they are. Yet I am unwilling to go into it, to fall beneath it into the shadow because of the feeling of futility that pervades – I have faced this same shadow so many times, it feels endless, it feels like there is no point in torturing myself within that shadow once again… it feels futile. So that is where the resistance comes from.
So, I am stuck feeling vaguely terrible, knowing that resistance is not helping, but unable to allow it to dissipate for valid reasons – if I forced myself to move past the resistance and head into the shadow, with this level of resistance, it would be self abusive…child abuse to the inner child who is just so sick and tired of healing.
So, I’m trying to be loving. The only thing left to do is to try to to find acceptance.
Accept the resistance.
Accept the futility.
Accept the shadow.
And it tangibly looks a lot like surrender.
I have to give up.
I have to stop.
I’m being forced to stop healing.
And then my guides ask me,
“What would you do if you were already perfect?”
What would you do?
“I know the further I go,
the harder I try, only keeps my eyes closed.
and somehow I’ve fallen in love
with this middle ground at the cost of my soul.
Yet I know, if I stepped aside,
released the controls, you would open my eyes.
That somehow, all of this mess
is just my attempt to know the worth of my life…
…made of precious metals,
precious metals inside.”
(And as I breathe in flow, I become silver and water and ether and I see it all for what it is. To have transmuted futility into flow, to have transmuted home into flow, I can be safe anywhere or during anything. Flow speaks to allowing everything as it is. You don’t change anything but you flow within it. And as you do so things lose their meaning. Good, bad, duality… it falls away. If I’m flowing it just doesn’t fucking matter. Everything IS. And it’s the heart of ISness that I become. And in there I am born back into my own heart again. And could it be something beautiful? I’ll know soon.)