Tonight I have decided to take, what feels to me, a great and beautiful risk. It is to share my heart, vulnerabilities, shadow and experiences so as to ask the universe, and the reader if he feels called, to love all of it.
When I think of love, my heart both opens and closes. I willingly open to the great blooming of it that can take place. I restrict and harden against the fear of losing it.
I love to love. I am scared to love. I love to be loved. I am scared to be loved. I want connection. I do not want connection. I want a romantic partner. I do not want a romantic partner.
All of this is the truth.
But the strongest truth amidst it all…is my desire to indeed love, whilst carrying my fears. I carry them in my arms as I sit here and write my heart raw, for all the love in me, and all the love I know that even my fears deserve.
My experiences in relationships have all carried a common theme.
I have had people be with me, in a way that feels as though it is that they are truly with me, for… a time. And then, something changes. It’s not fast, it’s gradual. But it happens. They get irritated with me. They become resentful. They fall out of love. From my perspective, what I understand is this:
In the initial stages of the relationship people have an idea about who and what I am. There is an expectation that the beautiful, confident, expressive blonde that they often meet in the first few interactions is the truth of what they are committing to. And the truth of the past has been that I sense this expectation. Then, once I sense this expectation coming from someone that I want to be with, I will try desperately to try to keep meeting that expectation for the fear that they will leave if I were to be anything else. So, I withhold my deeper, darker self.
This expectation I speak of… it feels like… an expectation that… I am light and rarely, if ever, dark.
So, within the pressure to maintain that illusion, I inevitably fail. Even as I have tried to hide my depth of feeling in my internal world, and the sub sequential deep way that I perceive and experience the external world… I cannot. In hindsight, I see that this leaving of partners has been because, once the facade of ‘light only’ comes down, and I do end up revealing my darkness and depth, my partner was left feeling, on an unconscious level, as though they cannot truly relate to me any longer. This is because the ‘me’ that they had been connecting to was now a faded mirage that no longer, and never truly, existed. It was inevitable that they would be left feeling disconnection towards me, mixed with confusion and disillusionment. This is not a blooming ground for love. At the time of this disintegration of connection, all of this awareness was unknown to me. It is only my wise hindsight that provides understanding now. At the time, I was only ever left with empty space where love once was and a lack of understanding as to the true reason for it’s departure. Even my partner could not provide it because he too lacked this knowledge. He could only say that he no longer felt what once was. With a heart blinded by pain, I always drew the conclusion that there is something deeply unlovable about me. My emotional experience of this loss of love was always that my partner loved the ‘pretty surface’ of me, and, once he had fallen deeper, saw a great, innate darkness or brokenness in me that showed his being that I am in fact, not truly lovable. Only my surface is lovable. This has been the endless message of my experiences in relationships. This is compounded by a feeling or conclusion of, “I’m bad because I ‘tricked’ them with my ‘pretty surface’. I let them down. They saw the real me and… left.” In total honesty, this is all what I still believe, because I have not experienced anything other than.
Today there looms a faded light in me that some call…hope. This is the the hope to have experiences that cause me to believe something else. It is the hope to one day believe that all of me is lovable.
I have to add some further words regarding what I mean when I speak of my ‘darkness’. It mostly speaks to my depth of feeling.
It has been my experience that many people have an assumption that because of the way that I look and the work that I do, that I must be in positive emotional states often, that I must hold a higher, peaceful perspective often. But the reality is that I do not. The reality is that I am often deep in my shadow. It is true to say that when I am in my shadow, I am far more conscious when inside of it than the average person… but also not in every moment. Some moments I am simply in pain and feel trapped inside of that human, child-like perspective, just like everyone else. The truth is that you do not acquire my kind of higher, deep, or meaningful perspective on life without spending a thorough amount of time within a lower perspective (one is born from the other, you see). It is this part of me that I have become convinced is the main part of the ‘real me’ that is simply unlovable… it is what is ‘wrong’ or ‘broken’ or ‘dark’ in me.
I have been single for about 3 years. I have had 1 short, temporary, romance within that time period and that is all. Fortunately, it was an extremely conscious experience through which I learned and healed a lot. What I have worked out is that my fears are not going to leave me because it is them that are next in line to be loved. What I have worked out is that sitting at home, inside of them, does not make me a vibrational match to meeting someone new and beautiful. So, I’m doing what I do. I’m writing. I’m writing with my whole heart and from within the most honest perspective I can embody.
I have become fully committed to being my authentic self from the very first moment, and to continue being conscious of my shadow, so I might expose it to the light of love. I see now that this here is the great healing of my heart. I see my own colours clearer than ever before and am committed to teaching every shade of me that she is lovable and something worthy of being connected to. I choose to show the red of my blood, the heavy rain in my blue eyes, the velvet purple of my eternal self and perhaps most importantly, the deep, dark black that inevitably comes before every dawn in me.
So, now, within the light of conscious exposure, I ask myself, “What am I afraid to reveal in the beginning of a romance, because I am convinced it is not lovable and will cause the person to leave like, immediately?”
I invite this fearful aspect of my being to come forward.
It feels like a lonely, desperate and despairing inner child. Her eyes are open but also covered by a grey filament of self hate and distrust towards others, and too, towards even herself.
“I’m too much.” she says.
I query, “Too much what?”
“I’m just too much. I feel too much. I think too much. I know too much. Nobody can handle all of my feelings. It’s just a weight for others to hear all of my thoughts, feelings and perspectives. I feel and share too much.”
All of my deeply thoughtful blog posts (yes, even the positive ones) come to mind.
The moment my boyfriend from when I was 15-18 years old said, “My only problems are your problems.” in response to when I asked him inside of a state of depression, “I want to be happier but I don’t know how. How do you do it? How do you not have any problems?”
Then there’s New Years Eve 2012… My boyfriend at the time and I are sitting in an outdoor pub. I’m looking up at the trees and marveling at their beauty and green. I smile and say, “Man, I love trees.” He replies, “Why the fuck do you say shit like that?!” He feels embarrassed that I would say something ‘so unusual’ in this crowd of people.
Oh, and there’s all the times I have read poetry to my partners and they just look confused.
I could go on.
“I also depend on others too much. I’m not independent. Nobody would want to meet my needs. I’m just a harmful burden.”
All of my triggers and PTSD moments flood my mind…
Those moments where I can’t watch certain videos because it’s too triggering, and whoever I am with has to change the show to something else, when I’m out at a restaurant and I can’t talk anymore because I got triggered by a story someone told.
I think of how I don’t feel safe enough to travel alone.
I recall the moments when I’ve needed help with things in the kitchen, with organisation, money and some other everyday tasks, because I was traumatised into believing I am incapable of total independence.
I could go on.
“I’m unattractive. On so many levels.”
I think about how I rarely exercise.
I think of how I have a kind-of sugar addiction.
I think of my lack of knowledge about the world (talk to me about the esoteric, etheric or emotional realms, and I will seem intelligent. Talk to me about the physical, everyday world, and I have little to no idea what is going on).
I think of my unusually shaped nose. I think of the size of my thighs and hips. I think of the blemishes on my face.
I think of how I’m not this amazing, totally healed, person free from her past.
I think of when I’m super sarcastic and so far from ‘spiritual’.
I think of when I’m downright depressed and can’t think of one positive thing about life.
I could go on.
I feel that it is mostly these things that provide my own resistance to being loved. I never hypothesized in my life that these things could too be lovable, until now. I never thought that I could be mistaken, also. But the desire in me to be loved and to love, has continued to burn as endless ember inside of all my ash.
I want the truth about me to be known, appreciated, loved. The truth about me is this:
The wisdom you see in me is equal to my sarcasm.
The care you see in me is equal to my experience of the opposite.
The joy you see in me is equal to my misery.
I carry so much, and so I give so much.
The great beauty I feel here in this world is equal to the great pain that I feel here.
The light you see in me is equal to my dark.
The man who enters my life will find that I am a highly empathetic and compassionate lover (and friend). I can connect to you and meet your needs deeply and wholly because I see the truth of you easily. But more than that, I do so because it brings me so much joy. I am thoughtful, considerate and highly attuned to others’ feelings and needs. This has been the benefit of my sensitivity, (as well as the detriment). I am, emotionally, a deep kaleidoscope of understanding. I care so much about how I love and connect. This is born from my own experiences of needing deep, complex understanding and care and being given the total opposite. I value others’ internal worlds and experiences. I seek to be in it with you… so I can know how to love you better.
I am the type of lover who will send you music and poetry to tell you how I feel about you in the most beautiful way that I can think of, because I think you are that.
I am the type of lover who will not withdraw or run away. I will always try to heal our wounds quickly. I will never be okay with either of our unnecessary bleeding or suffering. I will aim to put us back together closer and more wonderfully than before we came apart.
I am the type of lover who will wear your sweater when you aren’t home because I can feel your energy resting in it and it will help me to rest.
I want a man who can conceive of all of this – me, my needs, my shadow, my etheric nature, my pain, and call it all beautiful.
I want a man who would never treat my emotional and physical needs as ‘too much’, because he is completely capable of and enjoys meeting them. I want a man who will support me financially when I cannot do so myself, and even when I can, because they care about seeing me and my life’s work that I am here to achieve, thrive. I want a man who does not care where I am located in the world, nor where he is, because he is drawn to me regardless of location and will not let himself be incapable of answering my and the universe’s invitation. When I talk quietly to the trees, he will find it inspiring and alluring. When I dance to no music to surrender to my stress or sadness, he will dance with me. When I am in pain, he will hold those moments of darkness in gratitude because he already holds awareness of their great value – he understands that starlight is only found in the deep, dark black.
If I let you in
What will you give?
If I draw you in
Beneath my skin
Where will we live?
In my heart
In my heart
In the dark
In the dark
If you had my eyes
What would you see?
The bluest tries
Love, will you recognise?
In my heart
In my heart
It’s been dark
It’s been dark
But I wanted you to know
That I am still to grow
And from the invitation from my settled sun
I will not run
I will become
The dawn undone
Because in my heart
In my heart
You’re all I ask
You’re all I ask