Lately I have had this feeling bubbling beneath the surface of my awareness. It is rising to the tides and I am just now making sense of it. Here in this blog. Now.
What is it?
It is this feeling that my life is expanding ahead of me. I feel like I can’t keep up. But it isn’t this bad sort of ‘can’t keep up’. I don’t feel myself racing or rushing. I’m not feeling the internal pressure that comes with that. It’s different.
It is… that I can’t see ahead anymore.
I wonder why.
It is that I am expanding at such a rapid rate, shifting constantly. What lies ahead is unknown because the foundation keeps shifting. I don’t feel pressure because that only happens when you are going after something. If I can’t see anything, I’m can’t be, I’m not, going after anything.
So, instead of pressure… I feel… uncertainty… and that makes me feel… fear… confusion… curiosity… relief.
There is fear because part of me believes that within the unknown there are negative, bad things to be found imminently within it. My mind’s projection of what it thinks it knows about the unknown. Worrying, catastrophising are an attempt by the mind to feel a sense of control. When we worry about something, it is like, our mind’s way of getting to a sense of control (which makes us feel safer) by enacting preparation within itself (like, you know, when you worry, you think of all the bad things that could happen and how you’d handle it?).
There is confusion because my mind searches to know what it cannot know… the path ahead.
There is curiosity because I do not know what will unfold and am intrigued by this degree of not knowing.
There is relief because… It is like.. I used to feel like I have to know. I have to have a plan. It is that pressure of, ‘you have to get your shit together/you have to have a plan!’ But now, how can I have a plan when there is all this chaotic momentum? I literally can’t. I’m forced into just being. I willingly surrender into that because the freedom in just being and no longer carrying the weight of trying to get one’s shit together… that feels good.
There is nothing known about what lies ahead. When I look at it, it is a big swirl of energy. Images of familiar things flicker and disappear like dust in a tornado. They’re just ghosts and echoes that last for only milliseconds.
There is another feeling. Or part of the same feeling. Not sure…
I feel that my life path is leading itself. I feel that I used to be in the driver’s seat (or held the illusion that I was) and now I’m in the passenger seat. ‘I’, my greater self, is driving. It’s true that I can never be not driving. BUT the ‘I’ that is the human me, or the temporal self, she is less in control now. That’s what it is. And it’s not that she is in less in charge because my eternal self has ‘taken over’ and it’s this unwanted thing against her freewill, no. This is what happens when you integrate more of your eternal self into your temporal self and vice versa. My temporal self doesn’t know how to make sense of the eternal self and (what feels to be) her crazy driving.
(Maybe we struggle to find freedom because it’s scary to us as well as wanted).
I see it now.
I see my shadow. My unconsciousness. It looks like a large, black, mass of cloud in empty space. I swim into and beneath it. Everytime I do this, there is a reaction. The cloud gets lighter and larger. My awareness increases. It reaches with tendrils of light into an expanse of emptiness, experiencing this emptiness as not void… but rather an infinite potential. That is what space is. If something is nothing, a not-yet something, it holds the necessary openness…potential… to become anything and everything. And the more I go into shadow like this, the more I live my life from this viewpoint, as the tendril on the edge of potential, the part of me that is seeing more, knowing more… is more conscious.
And it’s not that the shadow is disappearing or going away. It’s so much more beautiful than that. The shadow becomes the light. The light is born out of the shadow. And so it is revealed that the light has always been here, just a little hidden, a little waiting, a little patient. It’s so beautiful. The light and the shadow are one and the same. When the shadow becomes the light it does not disappear. The light IS the shadow and the shadow IS the light. It is the caterpillar into the butterfly. They are one and the same.
To the degree that we experience and embrace our shadow is the degree to which we experience and embrace our light.
I know this. I knew this. But I didn’t, couldn’t, truly know what embodying that would be like until I did. It feels like I am huge, unknown, undiscovered and total discovery at the same time. I can’t know who or what I am for longer than a few moments, and at the same time, I know that THAT is what I am. I am this expanding undefinable…?
A curious note – it seems that the more you expand, the faster you expand, and the faster, and the faster and so on. It seems to be like… cumulative, like… a snowball effect.
Second note – I’ve noticed my compassion towards myself is increasing. Self love increasing. For this I feel proud.
I don’t know what I am or who I am, where I’m going or who I’m becoming. And because of that, because of that beautiful mystery that both completely terrifies me (what if what I am becoming is too much for me? What if my awareness encompasses me completely? What am I then? – Ah I see it – my ego fears the loss of control and the loss of identity. Understandably so. I will try to lovingly hold space for it within me) and enlivens me (how exciting! I could be anything), I feel and I am, free.
(…I remember the Phoenix. I keep coming back to that vision. I knew I would turn to ash and then live on. That I did know. I guess I couldn’t know how it would feel).
Lost but I’ve never felt so found
Happiness held on higher ground
Radiant in the sound