The Imminent Threat of Joy

I am soon to go on a trip to the U.S. for 2 weeks to reunite with soul family, friends I love and feel the most at home with. This adventure I am so looking forward to. There will be a wedding, camping, a roadtrip, nature and connection.
But I am terrified.
I’m terrified of this imminent happiness.

I have a friend who has been so unconditionally kind to me recently. He has helped me provide evidence to my inner child that I might be lovable and wanted. He has said the kindest things.
But when I heard them and now when I think about it, confusion and fear floods my system.
I am scared and confused by unconditional love.

As I sit here feeling my panic I know what it’s about:

I don’t trust in happiness.
(Happiness is only ever followed by it’s painful departure).
What if I am too happy and it all goes away?
I won’t survive it’s ending.
I am sure disappointment is around the corner, ready to blindside me.
(I am safer to just make sure I don’t get ‘too’ happy).

I don’t trust in unconditional love.
(Real, unconditional love is a foreign concept to me. It is a suspicious fantasy).
How can this love be real?
I’ve been fooled by this so called ‘love’ before, only to have it turn out to be a false.
(I am safer to believe that it must be a lie).

There’s nothing to ‘do’ here with these feelings.
I can feel the confusion swirling in my energy field within and just above my heart space.
I can feel the paralysis of fear trickling through my arms and legs.
I become a small child inside of my emotion.
I feel like I am small baby deer, wide eyed and frozen in the headlights. I am confused and paralysed.
It all just needs my presence.
I feel scared and I just need to be held.
Physical pressure would be soothing.
I don’t have that option right now though.
I imagine Azrael’s wings wrapped around me.
I feel him move closer energetically.
I ask Mary Magdalene to hold my inner child.

frederic teal rebecca elizabeth anne
With Frederic and Teal, 2 of the most beautiful and kind people I’ve ever known.


dalano kyle rebecca elizabeth anne photo
Dalano, my most beloved kindred spirit.


blake dyer rebecca elizabeth anne photo
Blake, a beautiful song in a person.


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