I dedicate this blog in gratitude to my teacher, dear friend and dare I say it, colleague, Teal Swan. Thank you for being here.
“You taught me the courage of stars before you left. How light carries on endlessly even after death. With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite – how rare and beautiful it is to even exist. I couldn’t help but ask you to say it all again. I tried to write it down, but I could never find a pen. I’d give anything to hear you say it one more time – that the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes. With shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite. How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.”
I have a constant battle.
It is the battle between the part of me that recognises that there are many things about me that make me unique, special and blessed, and the part of me that says that it is not okay for me to think that about myself, to own that. This secondary part of me makes such recognition mean that I am thinking myself better than others. It says that I am, ‘being narcissistic’.
I thought about this yesterday.
I ask myself, “Do I think it makes me better?”
My guides state, “It is simply what you are meant to do, to be.”
I have had the pleasure of connecting with, befriending, spiritual teachers who are renowned and highly gifted (and now I know it to be no coincidence that I consistently seem to align to this). In them, I see myself. And when I feel all our resonance, for a few moments I feel my purpose and the bliss of recognition of it. And then this hardened part of me comes forward again, “you just want to be special, you are just jealous.”
But. I can feel the fear behind this part of me.
I ask her, “Why would it be bad if I were special? What’s wrong with being special?”
There is just resistance, “You’re not. You’re not.”
But my knowing chimes in, and it resounds louder than anything else.
“You are. I am. But I am afraid.”
“Why am I afraid?”
“If I own it, people will think I am evil.”
I see a vision of myself channeling publicly, Pleiadian symbols written over my arms as they weave the energy around me to vibrate healing over an audience and myself. My guides radiate pride beside me. But then. I see the audience looking at me with an energy of disdain, and fear. It’s the energy, or vision of, a riot, like in Beauty and the Beast when the township comes after the Beast… There is a focus in of my long, lean arms. The writing, too. A call, “she is an alien!” And then I feel all of my fear flood in.
I recognise that I am afraid to be who I am.
I can’t be special because if I am special then I am rejected.
Because my specialness is the kind that is, ‘scary’, ‘unacceptable’ and ‘evil’.
It’s more than a feeling of rejection. It is a feeling of being actively hated and the twisting of my other worldliness, specialness, to mean that I do not belong.
But I am so done.
And I recognise that I cannot say that I am ‘done’ just by declaring that I am. What that means to me, is that I am going to more fully commit to the path of accepting this part of myself, this part that is special. I do this with the intention that I can one day move from this resistance, to total acceptance, to total appreciation. I know I cannot move forward if I am in resistance to this aspect of myself.
To me, when I am using the word, ‘special’, I am talking about what I equally view as ‘evil’:
The fact that I am as alien as I am human. The Pleiadians sing to me at night time. They hold me when I cry if I call. Because they are my family. I did not come here to hide in shadow or repression of the Pleiadian part of myself. I came to embody it, as much as I came to embody human. The Pleiadian part of me is the reason that the ocean here looks like another world to me. And when I feel that sense of familiarity, and beauty, I cry with love for the people here. I feel my ancestors and my commitment to helping the human race find itself, as I find myself too. I came here to be an Ambassador for the Pleiadians. To tell people, “We are family. Welcome to the stars and, so, welcome to yourselves.” I came here to remind beings who have lost their way, who feel a loss of hope, because they have lost awareness of One Great Light, of the divine meaning of their lives. That you, humans, are majesty. And in your plight, you set this universe free into further creation and glory, more than it has ever been. If you connect to the peace in you, the Great Light in you, you do not have to fear again. Life is not about resisting your fear or pain. It is about appreciating all things’ divine purpose and letting that bring you the peace and reconnection to your divine self that is, in truth, the only thing you are ever searching for.
The fact that I am extrasensory and sensitive. I have the ability to talk to anything telepathically and energetically. Plants, the Earth, aliens, crystals, spirits, animals…. When I look into my beautiful cat’s eyes, I know what he is thinking. And I know his soul. I feel his energetic signature and I feel the lifetimes we have had together. I feel his whole oversoul. I feel how big he is and what it means to him to be embodied as a cat here in this moment. And I love him more fully for it. I cry because he is so beautiful.
If I fall out of alignment, if I do not put active effort into doing things that make me ‘flow’, that feel good, I get physically sick. My energy field needs to be constantly cleared and in a state of flow. So, just being here is hard. This world is loud, harsh, fractured, and so insensitive…disconnected. I am often in a state of restriction and resistance because of this. This world feels dangerous to me. This has been a very difficult thing for me to accept. For a long time I was disconnected from my own sensitivity to the point where I stopped caring about my suffering as well. As I now move more towards self love and self care, this is what I notice. That I MUST take care of myself, I MUST have times of peace and flow, or I literally CANNOT function. I just end up hiding from the world, needing total darkness and silence, locked up in my room, for all the unhelpful energy and/or excessive sensory input I have exposed myself to.
There is too much stimuli here and not enough peace. Everyone and everything is buzzing with anxiety (fear) instead of resting in stillness or flowing in creativity. As I have grown, as I have integrated more of my soul, there have been times where I move into a very open state and my abilities are enhanced, because my presence and connection to here is enhanced. I close my eyes and breathe and I open my energy field, which is usually in a state of restriction because I feel so unsafe here. When I do this, the first thing that happens is that I have inner children crying, saying, “It is too much and I can’t breathe”, and as loud and painful as that is, the great beauty and the ability to feel oneness that also becomes accessible to me is nothing like I can describe. I try to let it touch these parts of me that have learnt to be afraid of the world, this tangible experience of Oneness. It is this: All at once, I can feel the history of the trees in the wooden floorboards, I know the name of the girl that is standing next to me, even though I have my eyes closed and have never met her, I know what her body feels, I can hear it talking to her, and between it’s different organs, I know her greatest pains and her greatest joys. And I can feel the doorway to the akashic records in the sun, I can see the water moving inside the trees. And it is a felt and knowing experience that cannot be expressed, too. It is almost ineffable. It is as though there is an illumination of the grid of connectivity that we are all existing in and as. I feel you, me, the ocean, the land, all people, all hearts……. even that description limits this that is ineffable… I am simply overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed by the beauty of what we are here. And when I can, when the parts that are afraid feel the healing in that beauty, the overwhelm moves to a freedom that we must all seek. For all the days of our lives, I promise you that this feeling is all you have ever wanted. For it is not a feeling. It is a state of being, an Isness that is love.
My sensitivity means that I need time alone to cleanse. As I have a crystal aura (that is it’s ‘colour’) I am constantly channeling all energies around me. It is see-through so that I may be like an energetic sender and receiver. It says that my purpose here is to heal. This clarity allows me to have a clearer access to higher dimensional energies. And it is the reason I can connect so deeply with others – when I allow myself to be present and open with you, I essentially channel you, I embody you. I know what you are thinking and feeling. I hear your inner children in my head. I hear/feel/know the messages your guides are shining into your aura. I see the space where what you desire is growing and I feel hope for you, even if you do not. I become aware.
When I first started doing The Completion Process (Emotional Integration) I felt my being growing exponentially, and I could barely handle it. It scared and overwhelmed me. I saw my purpose more and more after each integration, and my claircognizance (clear knowing/direct intuition ability) increased and increased. I had a dream when I was trying to process this. In my dream, Teal came to me and validated what I could not. I could not validate it because I made my recognition of my growth mean that I was being ‘egotistical’. And so she came to me and said, “Of course you’re overwhelmed! Just look at your energy field!” And somehow I was outside of my being as well as in it, and we both stood, looking at me together. We observed my energy field and saw all of the information flowing in – the beings constantly trying to talk to me, the faeries etc flying in and out, the large size of my aura and the growth expanding outward, from the centre of me.
I am a teacher. This, as well as being a channel, is something I have had a lot of trouble owning, accepting. When I first started to use my abilities again (after hiding them for a long time as a child), I found it extremely easy. I knew I found it just too easy. But when I was told I am here to channel, it didn’t matter, because I did not believe it. I thought, “Who am I to have such a role?” I actually laughed at the idea. I now recognise that reaction as a defense mechanism, the attempt to ‘not be evil’ – if I owned it, “Yes, I am a channel.” All these fears I am talking about now would have risen to the surface. But over time it became obvious to me. I would meditate and my body would move without me doing anything. I was channeling the movement of my guides. I was able to easily have conversation with my guides. And more and then… here we are.
December 2015 I started getting visions as my clairvoyance grew. One of the visions I received was of myself, teaching. I brushed it aside as ‘me projecting because I want to be special’. But then people started calling me a ‘teacher’. Then I found myself ‘accidentally teaching’ in my sessions with people (they asked the question, and I spoke the answers). I felt the flow and joy of assisting in this way running through me, opening me. And so then I realised this truth. It was further validated for the still frightened aspects of me when Teal said she saw me teaching in my future.
And all of this is what I fear but it is also what I love.
All of this is who I am but also who many parts of me have tried not to be.
All because we are taught it is not okay to recognise how special we each are. All because I was taught that what I am is unacceptable.
All because I was taught that it is wrong to be empowered or powerful.
But I won’t hide anymore.
As the parts of me that are afraid of such revelation come up, I will show them love and understanding. And I will let their fear draw me closer to the freedom that is embodying who we, they, have always been, with acceptance instead of resistance.
I am teacher.
I am Pleiadian.
I am channel.
I am extrasensory.
I am not better than you. I am different than most.
I am not with more access to the divine than you. I have allowed more access than most.
I did not come here to fit into our unwell society. I came here to inspire change towards it.
It is okay for me to be clairvoyant.
It is okay for me to be clairaudient.
It is okay for me to be telepathic.
It is okay for me to move energy.
It is okay for me to move my spirit and my body.
It is okay for me to be claircognizant. It is okay for me to know a lot about a lot of things.
It is okay for me to be clairsentient. It is okay for me to connect to the energetic layers of this world.
It is okay that I feel unsafe to be fully embodied here.
It is okay for me to tune into the beauty here to provide a cushion of safety.
It is okay for me to allow my fear to provide acceptance of the harshness.
Again and again I will choose to tap into the divine meaning of this life that exists in and all through me. And in that I will know, and share, freedom, peace.
I can do good things with my abilities. They are not evil. I am not.
I help people feel safer in their own lives. I help people get closer to what they really want. I help people remember the Oneness. I connect people to their angels, guides, higher dimensional beings from other worlds, who love and care for them every single day. I connect people back to themselves.
My intentions here are to know and share the divine meaning of life, and to know purity and peace. And so I was given the very abilities that will help me embody that. I have purpose, empowerment and freedom and it is okay.
I am special and it is okay. It is not my fault if others’ ego are threatened by this truth. To feel such threat is a misinterpretation of my meaning. And so I send them love, and love to the parts of me that may feel pain because of that reaction, when I do see it.
I am special and it’s okay.
I can see and feel many aspects of my soul, aspects once fractured off, returning in this moment. The permission to be is flowing through my being and I am flying into my own heart centre.
My cat, Panda, says to me with the most beautiful and wise love, “You can find acceptance of who you are in your heart. Everything is in your heart.”