I see a vision. It is the Phoenix rising. She flows upwards, swirling with long trails of ember. She holds total commitment to life in her deep, soft, innocent and powerful eyes. There is grace and life force energy pouring from her wings. She is completely surrendered to death, thus she holds complete, embodied life. She is the most alive being. Only the Phoenix knows what it is to live free. No threat of being finite, no fear of pain of death. She is the only embodied freedom there is.
The dance of life never ends. I swirl upwards, rebirth after rebirth, but I never move. I have no need to move away from pain, away from life that may kill me. I have become so accustomed to my demise and each new fire that I consequently become, that I feel no need to do anything other than to surrender.
It is an all encompassing stillness that palpates my entire system. Each new life, I am ruby red and pulsating with constant remembrance that I am eternity.
I burn. I do not run from the fire. Instead, I choose to become it.
This vision came to me as I thought about what intention I should set for my upcoming trip to the US for 2 weeks. This vision is my answer. Though, this intention is already rolling… it will gain all the more momentum and power as I have now become conscious of it and begin to consciously intend it.
I see now what my life is becoming. I see now what the contrast of my life is growing me into.
I am a person who has a fundamental resistance to life. There are pieces of me that find it so hard to be alive, to be present, that they would rather not fully commit to it. I am half in, half out in my experience of life. It is only natural given my past and the suffering I have experienced. It was so much easier to withdraw much of my consciousness than to be here. I learnt negative core beliefs like, “life is cruel” and “I am being punished and this life on Earth is my prison”.
Contrastingly, there are also parts of me that are committed to life. Pain after pain, I return and remain here. I have such hope and I see such beauty in life. This I could only recognise and fully see by first experiencing hopelessness and darkness.
To summarise my point here, I will quote something I wrote and thought the other day:
To know the freedom in my surrender I must first know my resistance.
…I have been brought into all my imprints of resistance, so as to become the Phoenix and embody total surrender… The freedom of releasing resistance to life.
Oh, beauty. Oh, wonder. She is glorious.
Please listen to this song, to potentially feel what I feel as
the score the Phoenix, rises:
P.S. Tonight I realised my great pain is why I see and know great beauty, more than ever or anyone or anything. So often I’ve wished to feel a little less but it is moments like this I see the truth. To live and love richly is better than to live and love plainly. Even as these great heights come with great fall.
The world is beautiful to me and my hope is this strong because of my pain. How could I deny or reject that which paints my life in beauty?