In the Daze of My Existence


feelings quote ev

The world is not a safe place. It is traumatising to be born. It is often traumatising to learn. But, if we take the lens off, and disidentify from our emotions and step into the higher self’s perspective of love, we can survive anything. Even if the body dies, we survive. Even if the personality dies, splits or fractures, we survive. And in the daze of my existence I find myself free.

I just came out of an emotional integration where I was brought back to my long suppressed memories of birth. I have been taken to birth, the womb and the birth room a few times in my integrations…

There were hundreds of loving non-human, non-physical beings in the room, there were too many humans.
There were a lot of good intentions, there were too many hands.
There was a lot of reason and logic, there was too little warmth.
The lights were so, so bright. The hands were everywhere and unknown. The disconnection
(from anything and everything I had ever known) was palpable.
I felt: shock, loneliness, fear, panic, overwhelm, violation.
In my integration I asked my infant self what she needed or wanted. I saw a bright light. A light being. I recognised it as my guide, Samuel. He and the Andromedan council who soon joined his words, sang and spoke to me in Andromedan. “This should not have happened to you. You are here and we are here. We are the same and will continue to be so. We love you forever more. You are never separate from us. You are here, we are here. You are here, we are here.” At my infant self’s request, Samuel created a comforting blanket of white light. It weaved around her/me. He dropped etheric glitter over my eyes that softened the room and returned my sight to the safety of darkness. In the present, I called the greatest Mother I know, the Earth, Gaia, to myself… She wrapped herself around me. She lacks form…she was green and blue swirls. I felt faeries and elementals around me too. My inner child and all the fractured aspects of her soon merged back into me (except for 1 aspect who was not yet ready. She went to ‘the safe place’ – a non-physical thoughtscape of safety, wrapped in angel’s wings and eventually, wrapped up in light, held in my guide, Sahasrara’s arms).

The world is not a safe place. The only way to reach a true feeling of safety, of complete and eternal safety, is when you recognise that you live on (and you can only really realise this when you let yourself die emotionally, die and die again). Outside of this, beyond all of this, you are first and foremost love. Love is in the air. Love is in the trees. Love is matter. Love is you. You are love. You are eternal. You are immortal. And so, when you turn to love in the midst of your fear, you realise your eternal self. The path of self actualisation is not about understanding, though understanding helps. It is not about awareness, though awareness helps. It is not about pain and suffering, though these can sometimes be our greatest teachers. It is about love. And the aforementioned experiences of understanding, awareness, pain, suffering, fear, these are all just avenues, means that we have sought to utilise, to remember that our innate quality and tone of being is… love.

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