Ignition (U.S. Trip Part 1)

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I left for the U.S. with a vision of freedom in mind. I carried my heart openly in all its fragility, with a knowing that there is an ignition of strength blooming within, fueled by my vulnerability. And that is what I found.

“All time passes because it is both forever and nothing at all.”

salt lake city airport
Landing at Salt Lake City.

The day I landed in the U.S. I had had zero sleep on the plane. I had been up since 6am the day before (or was it the day before? I don’t even know). I found myself seated in the middle of 2 other people (I prefer the aisle). The flight attendants had been unkind and the security at the airport was intense and the emotional energy of it completely hardened. The airport at L.A. (where I had my connecting flight, actually landed in Salt Lake City) was generally fraught with workers who didn’t want to be there. It was so hard for me because I was so tired that my brain was really struggling to retain new information, like where to go next or where to get my bag etc. It was the kind of tired where my nervous system is so exhausted that I just needed to cry and sleep.

The energy of L.A. was my first impression of the energy of the U.S. It changed a little depending on where I went, but that major undertone of uncertainty and unsteadiness remained no matter where I was for the whole trip. In L.A. there was/is a particularly noticeable amount of not-so-great energetic portals that seem to want to draw you into them… There are influences inspiring you to lose your conscious awareness and become lost in something that wants you to believe it is powerful but is really the very opposite. I found that interesting to feel into.

It was funny to me to once again find myself confused by cars being on the wrong side of the road. I almost sat in the driver’s seat, thinking it was the passenger seat, when Adriana picked me up at Salt Lake City airport. I also found my system confused by the heat, coming from the Australian Winter. But I was so glad for it. (I missed Summer so much. I really do not not enjoy Winter at all).

Even though I was so glad to be reunited with pieces of my heart that I call friends and soul family members, and to meet new ones, I also felt terrified. As we drove to meet the others and chatted, I laughed and enjoyed. But I could also feel the terror bubbling beneath the surface. I loved being with Adriana so much so that I was terrified:
There are large parts of me that are terrified of experiencing the very things I most want –  true connection and unconditional love. This is because I have underlying negative trauma associated with happiness, connection and love. In the past, happiness and love have been ripped away from me and replaced by loss or disappointment so much so, and in such a traumatising way, that now, I experience very strong underlying fear, confusion (because unconditional love is a) foreign and b) something that is always been followed with the loss of it, it feels threatening) and panic, whenever I start to feel extremely happy or loved. This emotional trigger was strongly activated later in the day that I landed when I was reunited with more people I had been missing very much, Blake, Frederic, Dalano, Alice.

When they arrived I came bounding out of the house we were staying at and threw my arms around each of them. I was overjoyed. I laughed and smiled pure joy. We jumped around in circles of glee. After about 5 minutes I felt the fear and panic starting to grip me. I tried to suppress it. “Fuck this. Fuck having triggers that fucking ruin my moments of happiness.”, I thought. I found myself resenting the inner child in me who has this trauma, whom the other parts of me just want to be quiet and happy, so I can go on bouncing around in the grass with my friends. Knowing this weak attempt at suppression was futile, I left to try to be with my emotions by myself upstairs, inside the house. I didn’t want to “ruin Blake’s birthday evening with my mess”. Panic flooded my chest and I couldn’t quite breathe. I wondered if I could find an alone place outside. I went out the back to the deck of sunset air. I found a strange corner cut into the wall of the house that I could hide in. I leaned against it and silently cried, wondering what I should do (the confusion of being in fight or flight mode inside my panic rendered me forgetful of most all I knew about how to manage intense emotion… I just tried to stay breathing). I soon heard voices – Alice and Adriana had come out onto the deck and sat on the swinging loveseat to talk. I was sure they’d hear my crying any moment as I was having trouble holding it in because I was also having trouble breathing. I wondered that I should invite them to help me. I knew I didn’t really want to be alone. But I didn’t know how to ask for help. I felt so much guilt for ‘ruining the party’ by expressing my pain that I couldn’t bring myself to say, “I need you” to anyone. I also generally sometimes very much struggle to ask for help when I need it. I felt just… muted.

I came out of my corner for a moment, trying to work out what to say, if anything. Adriana and Alice were surprised at me appearing out of seemingly nowhere, quickly realised I was not okay and came over to me. I collapsed in their arms and started crying. We sat down together. They looked at me with silent compassion. I just cried. Moments later Blake and Frederic appeared. They all sat in a circle around me in silence. Looking at the four of them looking at me with such love and understanding was triggering in and of itself. I found that when I looked up from crying, thinking I was about to find relief and move into balance again, their unconditional love would trigger a very strong confusion and fear reaction in me. I felt a 5yr old me take over. I was so scared of what they were offering me, but I also desperately needed it to never end. Fear overwhelmed me and again I had to close my eyes and try to surrender to my panic and confusion: “I don’t, I can’t trust this love. How can this be real? This isn’t real. Any second now I am about to be demolished. Why are they just loving me? What is happening? I don’t understand, I don’t understand.” Recalling that feeling so well, I can honestly say it was true fear. This pattern of opening my eyes, then feeling completely threatened by the love that surrounded me and thus needing to close (hide) them again, happened for what felt like a long time. I kept resisting it, I kept thinking, “I should hurry up and compose myself because this is supposed to be a birthday party and I’m ruining it”. Then Blake said, “you can cry as long as you want to” and with that I did, and even more. Soon I gave up in my resistance and eventually, eventually relief followed. I felt like I was floating after my tears. I endured this panic, this fear, confusion, and they, the love, was still here? I felt gentle surprise running through me more than fear now. In my inner child’s heart, I felt a tentative allowing of whatever perfect dream this was.

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Laughing – Blake’s birthday party.

The rest of that night was mostly spent reconnecting with Blake, talking and laughing. There is a warmth to Blake that almost everyone who meets him notices immediately. This warmth… it is the invitation to just be yourself because he knows better than most what it is like to feel like you cannot be that and be loved at the same time. All the smiles and love he received that night were and remain a reflection of what he is constantly gifting to everyone else and it was beautiful to observe, even as he squirmed in his inability to fully receive the return of the love and warmth he gives out.

The next day I learnt about tipping in the U.S. and how you are always supposed to tip in cafes and restaurants (in Australia tipping is a rare thing, it is not definitely not expected – I knew it was a thing in the U.S. before I went, but I kept forgetting) and about how apparently my accent and Australian words are either really awesome or really confusing (“Let’s go get a trolley for the groceries.” “A what?” “A trolley!” “You mean a shopping cart?” “…Yes.”) (“I just left my bag in the boot!” “In the what? “…The…trunk…?” “Oh!”) (“Say ‘cool’ again!” “Cool…?” “hehehehe!” “??”)

Also on this second day, Jacques Connan, a renowned shamanic healer, came to the group house we were staying at and led a group energy healing. We were guided into a meditation as Jacques sent healing energy to the group. We visualised going into the upper dimensions, and so, we were there. I let the energy of the huge sacred geometric shapes that Jacques had surrounded each of us with move me. I let my body move in circles with the flow of energy as they spun. It felt so good. When it was time to return to the present at the end of the meditation, I found I didn’t want to come back.life dark I felt all my resistance to the pain of being here on Earth flooding in. I liked being in the upper realms. Earth was painful and hard. My life felt full to the brim of pain I had to heal but felt overwhelmed by. That was the trigger – I felt/feel like I have so much trauma to heal that I am thus very far from my ideal, better feeling life. It causes me to feel total incapability and powerlessness. I felt these emotions sweep over me as I reluctantly returned to Earth. Moments later, I was crying on the grass with Frederic. I told him of how I felt the world to be huge and me so small, how I don’t know how to overcome my past or how to want to be here completely when life just feels so hard. Frederic held my hands as I cried and lay down next to me. It was so soothing to be allowed to be the smallness I felt, but have a hand to hold in it. Eventually we talked and Frederic helped me see clearer through my tears. But it was hard and… it still is.

Teal and Ale’s wedding day followed and it was a beautiful ceremony and reception. The wedding was a sacred, divinely supported and celebrated experience I feel honoured to be an observer and supporter of it. Held on top of a mountain, led by Jacques, who invoked the energy of the elements and nature around us, the ceremony was something extraordinary. Teal and Ale’s reception was great fun. I am so used to going to weddings of extended family members where I barely know anyone and feeling extremely bored, honestly. The games, face painting, tarot reading, vegan cake and great people was all I needed to really know that maybe some weddings can be… fun! Simultaneously, it was another triggering event for me. Many people are often inspired into hope by weddings. In the past I have been one of those people. At this wedding and recent weddings I have attended, I have found myself to be one of those people who is triggered into all their negative thoughts and feelings regarding love… for me that meant hopelessness and despair. One of the games at the wedding involved the speaker (the lovely, amazing, Zach Moyer) saying, “Stand up if you did ___”  and “sit down if you didn’t do this same thing ___” the blank being filled by some embarrassing, funny or interesting thing, like, “stand up if you ever rode in the back of a police car” and “stand up/stay standing if you speak more than one language”. When Zach said, “stand up if you’re single”, I felt completely triggered. I hated it. It felt like being on show as a failure in love. That sounds like a dramatically depressing perception, I know, but that is how this felt. I had the same feeling when “all the single ladies, come down and catch the bouquet” was called. I realise now I should have given myself permission not to play that game, because of how bad it felt and how unsafe somehow ‘being on show’ (at the front of the room in a small group of single women) made me feel. Alas, I am still learning to honour my boundaries and I didn’t. I played (but didn’t really try) and watched as others fought over the bouquet. After that I was feeling mostly truly terrible and sad.

heart quoteI decided to get a tarot reading with Dalano, whom Teal and Ale had hired to enact this one of the many fun activities for their wedding reception. Dalano read me my cards on love and they all reflected what I already knew but could barely see through the cloud of my pain – I needed to accept how I was feeling and stop telling myself that it is not okay to not be okay (again I had been feeling like, “I shouldn’t be unhappy now. I’m at my friend and teacher’s wedding with soul family. I should stop feeling like this and go back to having a great time!”). I also needed to let others help me when I am in pain more. I was also shown that on a mostly subconscious level, there are parts of me that hold onto my pain for self punishment purposes – there are parts of me that believe that in order to be ‘good’ and not ‘evil’ (one of my negative core beliefs, the by product of traumatic experience, that I am currently working on healing is, “I am evil”), I need to punish myself. Self punishment provides our psyche with a sense of ‘goodness’ and ‘virtue’. Anyone who was raised in the average family that used a discipline system of punishment/reward will have this pattern internally to some extent. We unconsciously self punish in a myriad of ways. For some people it’s working too late, for others it’s never saying no when we need to say yes, for some people it’s physically hurting themselves, for some people it’s not looking after their health or needs, for me and many others, it’s imprisoning myself inside of my emotional pain and refuting offers of or opportunities of acquiring help to be freed. The tarot reading did show that all of this was of divine order, leading me to my greater path, greater love and heart. I felt a little better afterwards as I tried to settle into, “it’s okay that I’m not okay and that weddings have this effect on me”. Dalano was very supportive and validating to me and my inner child, my hopeless heart and my love weariness.

After the reading I continued talking to lovely people, but also continued to feel the urge to just go and cry. I tried to give myself permission to be both. To be not okay with being not okay, but also trying send myself the message that that too was okay, and completely understandable. I cried in the bathroom. I came out eventually. Then I did what I do at home when I am in seemingly endless pain and uncertainty sometimes… I danced.

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Dancing with Adriana at Teal and Ale’s wedding.

There was no music but I grabbed Adriana and Alice and told them, “I’m in so much fucking pain right now. Will you dance the pain away with me?” And we did. Soon others joined us, playing music from Jeremy’s phone, and we swayed, jumped, twirled and sang. Most people had gone home at this point but we felt at peace in our circle of music and release as the cleaners weaved around us.

The day after the wedding was the first day of the Teal Tribe Gathering of camping, healing and connection in the Uinta mountains. When we arrived the first group activity scheduled was a small hike and my class on Communicating with Trees. We all carpooled up the mountain to the beginning point of this small hike that would lead us to a beautiful lake, field and many, many trees. I was so nervous but also excited. Blake introduced me, “This is my friend Becc, and she’s one of the coolest people in the world because whenever I hang out with her she’s like, “wow, that tree really likes you… he’s your best friend!” and she’s gonna teach US how to talk to trees now too!” I felt excited and nervous, enthused and scared. My heart beat loudly inside my ears as I spoke. I introduced the notion of communicating with life around us and asked people to be open to the feeling of connection with their heart and nature as we walked to our destination, at which point the class would properly begin. We walked through forests that to me felt to be almost unreal, like out of a movie. I felt the clarity in the leaves here, the excitement of the trees at the notion of a large group of humans walking amongst them with the intention of listening, the stillness that I so, so love about trees, and the interconnection, freedom, openness and lack of resistance of the forest in general. It soothed me (and even now when I think of it, dreams of my harmonic love for nature swirls throughout my being).

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Listening to the trees during my How to Communicate with Trees class.

When we arrived, the path expanded into a great, green field, with mountain flowers, surrounded by a circle of forest and a lake close by. I sat on a rock in the middle of the field and everyone sat down in front of me. I felt my nervousness fade into excitement with peace as I told myself, “I’m just gonna chill. And tell them how to talk to trees”. So I did.
I spoke of how all things are energy, and communication is just an exchange of energy, with you and whatever you are communing with acting as antennas for one another. I guided everyone into a heart connective, peaceful state of consciousness. I channeled some of my words from my higher aspects, Aurora and Asteria. Aurora is an Elohim nature elemental and Asteria is obsessed with the heart and living from the heart, so they were perfect. “Let yourself know and sink into the stillness that you feel from the nature around you, this stillness that is in you too. See your heart and let your consciousness travel there.” Everyone picked a tree to commune with and for a time there was only silent communion. It was beautiful. When everyone came back from their conversation with their tree, we shared what the trees had told us. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t fucking believe it. My inner child was having a celebration and I felt like I was in a dream. How could there be all these people saying, “The tree told me this! Then it said this!” “Oh, mine said this! And this!” . I am so used to being alone in my world of non physical communication. I am so used to being the one who talks to trees, animals, rocks, guides, angels and having no one else really get what that means or is like. It was amazing and so, so healing to me, to be able to have other people, people I didn’t even know, sharing in this part of my world. The glass I feel I am often peering out of, others could finally see through it too. It was also so exciting and confidence boosting to me to have people succeed in their communication that I had facilitated, to have people being so interested in what I was saying, to have people want to know more, asking more questions, and thus being able to teach even more.
To me, it has felt like I have all of this information bursting from within that has been waiting for permission to be and feel loved enough to express fearlessly. People coming up to me after the class and telling me that I am a natural teacher and that they really enjoyed it, that really propelled me forwards so much in my latest evolution of becoming a teacher of heart centred authenticity and spiritual awareness. When I teach, I feel the words flowing out of me as an unstoppable train of excitement. When someone asks me a question, and I have an answer that I can feel will help them, I feel so good. I feel passion in my heart and blood when I answer. I am energised by it. (This is how you know it when you are doing what you are meant to do. You are energised by it. You step into your flow of your most aligned self when you embody your purpose, you literally start to let more Source energy into yourself).
The trees held us and left us with a message of gratitude and oneness. “You are a part of the forest”.

The day continued and a group sound healing was held back at the camping ground. I enjoyed the rhythmic drumming. It took me back to past lives of Lemuria, visions of desert and community around a fire shone through my mind. I can’t describe the soothing familiarity of the Sage smoke that sung through the air and sound of steady beat in both the present and the past.

In the present, my friend, Shawn, was having an intense healing reaction to the energy and sound. Amidst the others laying down in stillness the sunlit space, he began to writhe and move. His body seemed to have a mind of it’s own as energy pulsed through it. He also made some loud yelling-type sounds. A few people looked over, startled, including me. I observed what was happening energetically and received the message that he was more than fine and was integrating a past life consciousness. The sound healing continued. I soon felt a gradual pulse of warm, tingling energy running through my palms. I knew it was energy to send to support Shawn’s integration. From my chair in the shade, some distance from Shawn, I held my palms to face him and let the energy flow. I let my Pleiadian aspect, Asteria, guide the energy’s movement. The energy seemed to be coming from my heart as well as flowing through my crown out through my palms. Eventually the energy faded as my offering was complete. It was an energy of support and it felt like a ‘meant to be’ set of moments.

Moments later I felt sudden pain on my left ankle. It seemed to pass but then returned increased and increased. I looked down. “Oh, what the fuck?” I thought, as I realised I’d been stung by a bee. I left the healing circle to sit and inspect the injury, in pain and annoyed that my visions and peace had been interrupted. I was given sting relief patches by Blake from the first aid kit. His crystal pendant fell from it’s length as he handed me the patches. “You hold onto it. Maybe it’s supposed to be with you.” Mike came over to query what was wrong. He gave me his citrine crystal sphere. I tried to give it back to him later. He told me, “give it back when I see you next”. The implication of certainty of future reunion warmed my heart, and warms it still whenever I look at that crystal. It’s delicate moments like those that feel like sacred community to me. So much magic woven in with simple human kindness. It is the kind of human communion that is often absent in today’s less natural, less heart connected world (but I know it can be again and always).

As I held the sting relief patches to my ankle and felt the gentle crystal energy weaving it’s way through my body, I watched looked back over at the healing circle. People had begun leaving and a smaller amount remained, encircled around a few individuals who were having particularly strong healing reactions. I saw that Shawn was now lying on the ground, seemingly crying. As the pain from the bee sting had mostly gone, I followed the strange compulsion I had in my heart to go and join the people sitting next to him, holding space for him and offering supportive energy. I say, ‘strange’ because this compulsion was so strong and full of a brewing love I felt I knew nothing about, but also knew as familiar. I sat down next to my friend, Cody, who was offering energy to Shawn, and tried to settle and feel into what was happening. All I seemed to be able to feel was an increasing amount of love and emotion swirling in my heart. I felt so much concern and care for Shawn that I started crying. And then I was crying because I didn’t understand the intensity of my emotion. I didn’t really know Shawn well at all. But yet I felt so much love and a growing familiarity. This concern I felt, I felt I knew it and had always known it. I asked Cody to go to the side of the group and talk with me for a moment. I told him what I was feeling and how I knew it was a reaction stemming from a past life connection that I had with Shawn, the same past life that he was integrating into his consciousness on this day. I told him through tears, “I don’t fully know why, and I feel like here and now it’s not ‘okay’ or ‘allowed’ (because I don’t know him) but I just care about him so much, I just want to hug him or hold his hand. But I don’t even know him. So I can’t. But I need to.” My heart was so pulled that it hurt. “Do it”, Cody said. With Cody’s support, I did. I lay down on the grass next to Shawn and held his hand. I cried and told him I wasn’t sure what I was doing but just needed to be there for him. He said it was okay and that he loved me. Except it wasn’t Shawn. It was his previous life’s self. The part that I knew. I cried. I looked into his eyes and kept glancing away. I couldn’t maintain any eye contact because of the love that radiated from this being in him. It’s intensity and familiarity terrified me and it made me cry. I felt like I could finally see and feel someone I had been missing for forever. “You can look, you can look. I am here.” he kept repeating. I did and cried more. world eye
Eventually I felt myself rebalancing and Shawn moved into a state of returning to himself (though it still took some time). I now knew why, when I had hugged Shawn earlier in the day, I felt completely safe. Usually when I hug a male over say, 40, who I do not know very very well, there are parts of me that do not feel safe. When I hugged Shawn, instead of the usual slight fight or flight response, I felt a soothing come over me. Now I understood.
For the rest of the day I felt raw and cracked wide open. The day somehow crept into night. The moon shone brightly like a street light that no one could, or would ever want to, turn off.

The following day, one of the activities planned for the group was The Connection Process with Graciela, a wise healer and Teal’s housemate and friend. Graciela paired us and each pair went to find a quiet place to connect. I was paired with my dear friend, Frederic. We sat in silence on blankets in the shade between lovely trees. I liked our setting. I loved those moments with Frederic of finding our spot. It meant so much to me that together, we looked for a (shaded) area that energetically felt best to us. I loved that when he pointed to a spot, I was about to say the same place. I loved it because being able to share my multilayered perception of the world with someone is a rare thing. I love that Frederic is as beautifully sensitive as he is and thus we can share what it is like to exist in the world like that. For so many of us, and especially me, there is much pain involved in not being able to fully express or show others how it truly is to be in the world for us. That sameness in Frederic and I is just one part of what I love about our friendship (this trip, life, more and more I realise that this is what it is about.  These moments, moments, moments).

Frederic looked into me first. I felt his consciousness swimming around my walls at first. My inner child and I, we immediately put up walls to anyone who is trying to look deeply into me. As he gazed, I felt my resistance to being truly seen. As much as there are huge parts of me that need and want to be completely known, seen and felt, there are just as many parts that feel very threatened by such a notion and simply want to hide. These pieces of me want to hide because they are convinced that what I am, at my core, is not lovable. When Frederic looked into me, my usually unconscious negative thought patterns of a fractured, enpained child rose to the surface, “No, no, you can’t look at me like this. You won’t like what you see. You’ll be disappointed. I’m not something lovable… Oh no, he’s going to know. Soon he’ll know the truth of me.” I tried to allow my resistance. I tried to allow my resistance to my resistance. It truly felt like forever that Frederic’s energy immersed itself into mine. Peering and curiously wondering. After what felt like the longest time, he came to a sense of completion with his turn of the exercise. I asked him to explain to me what he was seeing or feeling in me. I told him this was because it would help me to know that I was truly seen and known. He struggled to express what he had experienced in words. “I felt you resisting me… I felt and saw how you are so much, so much, in your heart. How huge your consciousness was when you were born, before all the different parts believed they were bad or not wanted. I saw how extraordinary you are…” I tried to receive what he was saying but I mostly couldn’t. I was triggered. Triggered into feeling like I’ll never be able to receive love, like if I can’t receive love then I’m alone forever, trapped in a glass prison of being able to see and feel outside but not having others be able to do the same with me, and how maybe I’ll never be able to fully, completely, openly connect with others as much as and in the way that I want to (as much as other parts of me continue to run from this desire). I went to get water with the intention of returning to switch, where I would then look into Frederic and he would receive.

As I walked to the communal area, Graciela spoke to me from the hammock in the trees she was seated in, “Hey Becc, how’d it go? How are you?” I replied in a kind of mumble, “it went okay…” I didn’t want to talk because I was on the verge of tears. Graciela beckoned me to sit with her in the hammock. “Come here for a minute, come here, I want to show you something.” I sat down in front of her inside the hammock not knowing what was about to happen. Graciela held my hands and said, “Just feel this for a minute, just feel.” I felt. I felt something warm. The frequency of total acceptance. “I have no expectation of you.” Graciela stated. “How does it make you feel when I say that?” I replied, “…. Like… I don’t believe you.” “That’s okay, I don’t need you to believe me.” “Okay…” “What do you feel?” “I feel… some kind of acceptance… love… I see green healing energy coming into my field… I like it but I also want to run away from it.” “You wanna run away from it? Do it! Run away from it.” I felt confused. “Huh? But… I mean… I want to receive it. I want to be able to receive love.” I started to tear up. I felt so desperate, like I’ll never be able to receive what I am starving for. “You can’t receive it if you don’t first give yourself the choice. Choice to run away and not trust it. You have to get that you get to choose first.” “Oh.. Right.. Yes..” “So, if you wanna run away, you gotta let yourself run away. Do you want to? If you want to run away, I want you to run away right now!” “…Yes… I think so.” (It all felt so scary. Sitting there inside a bubble of total acceptance was so fucking hard. The pieces of me that don’t trust unconditional love were terrified. The parts of me that have experienced only devastation following love were terrified. The inner chidren who have only had experiences of (what turned out to be false) love mixed with abuse, an abuse of that connection, were terrified).

I stepped out of the hammock. Just as I did, Jacques, the shaman and amazing healer, seemingly appeared right in front of me out of thin air. He was suddenly right there.
“I saw you, sitting on that rock (Jacques was at my Communicating with the Trees class, where I sat on a rock to teach), and I thought, “Ah, here is a girl carrying a lot of pain.” You are carrying so much pain.” I felt the confusion I felt when faced with intense love but then, I simply cried. feel quoteI cried because of my pain and because someone had seen it and seen it without me having to show it or express it to them. This moment made me feel seen without having to try to be seen. This is so much of my pain in my life – having to show or tell people when I am in pain and what I need. In my heart, I want people to just know. If people just know, it sends me the message that my pain is noticeable. This sends me the message that my pain is valid. This sends me the message that I am real. I’ll explain…

When I was growing up, what was happening to me was completely unknown by those around me, completely hidden and never seen, locked inside of me because there was no safe way or means I knew of showing the purposefully hidden abuse, nor the emotional pain of it to anyone. So, I had many, powerfully overwhelmingly painful feelings in me that were never validated, never mirrored, never acknowledged. I screamed silently and no one heard, over and over and over. When there is this lack of mirroring and validation growing up, when the sense of self is developing, yet you still have all these feelings that now make no sense to your consciousness because they aren’t being validated (understanding that validation and mirroring is how a human child develops its sense of self – mirroring tells a developing mind, “Ah yes, this emotional reaction I have is making sense here. This is what is happening here in the world. This is approved of and is thus a part of the world.” ) you start to develop the opposite – an emptiness, a nothingness… a belief that there is something non-existent about you. Because there is – the part/s of you that feel feelings that no one else can seemingly see or sense, let alone mirror back to you, are invisible, non-existent, to those around you. So thereby, you unconsciously formulate a belief that you, on some levels at least, are not real.

So, when someone just knows, how I feel and what I need, I cry with the grief of not having nearly enough of that in my life. I cry with the grief of the not ever having this key to my freedom in my past, where all I yearned for was for someone to say, “you are not okay and I know it. You feel imprisoned, you are being hurt, you are in pain. I see into your world. I don’t need you to tell me about it because I know you can’t without being even more hurt. I just don’t need you to tell me because I already see it, I know it. It is real. You and your feelings are real. And I know how to and will help you in the exact way that you need.” because I could not tell anyone. And so, I cried. Jacque hugged me, holding me, saying, “it’s okay, let it out, let it out.” He kissed me on the forehead and I felt and thought, “My life is so hard. Life is so hard. I can’t do this, I can’t do this. I’m in so much pain. All the time, I’m in pain. It’s so hard to be alive. Why does it have to be this hard? I can’t do this. Why does no one see? I feel alone so much. I am in so much pain.” All of these thoughts circled on repeat in my mind as I cried.
Jacques held my hands as I looked up at his soft, kind eyes after a few moments of just crying. “Give me your pain, let me take your pain. Too much, it is too much for such small shoulders.” “I… I don’t want to hurt you. I feel like it will hurt you and make you feel pain. I don’t want to hurt you.” “No, no, you cannot hurt me. I take the pain, and I take it to the light. I am the light, this is my life’s joy. You cannot hurt me.” “I’m scared.” “It is okay, don’t be scared. Let it go.” So, I held his hands and I sent my pain into his palms and through his heart which took it to the light: The emptiness in me… not the beautiful void of universe, but the hollowness that seems to excavate me and scrape against my bones every time I feel alone. The acidic poison of yellow, green infection that I feel I carry inside my belief of, “I am evil”, the blackness of the weight of my pain, and the tired grey futility of giving up on life time and time again. As I sent it, I wept, and then Jacques hugged me again as I cried again. “Let it out, too much, too much.” Jacques soothed. I let my sobs grow louder and my body go almost limp as I gave up the last of my resistance. Soon I started to feel a pattern of relief and Jacques held his forehead to mine and looked into my eyes. The kindness in that man’s eyes is unexplainable. The journey of soul and illumination of peace in him is beyond words. “You have so much so that you can help others. But you can let it go. You find your peace and you will help others do the same.” And just as quickly as he had appeared, Jacques seemed to disappear.

I turned to walk back towards the path but was quickly met with hugs from friends who had seen/heard me crying. As I was about to head back to Frederic to explain why I’d taken so long on our break, Teal arrived on the path. She looked at me, “Hi, what’s wrong? What’s going on?” “I just gave Jacques my pain to transmute and I feel like I poisoned him. I feel like I hurt him.” I said in shaky voice. I felt about 3 years old and so, so bad (‘I’m bad’).
“You’ve been trained to think you’re not good, that you’re bad. It’s not true…”
“I know… And he kept saying it was fine and that it’s just what he does… but I still…”
“I know, I felt like that too.”
I explained to her what happened with Graciela. I told her I suspected that Jacques appearing like that to heal me was a manifestation of my own resistance, a reflection of the part of me that didn’t want to give myself permission to simply run away from Graciela’s unconditional love due to the impatient belief that I “need to healed already and to be able to receive love like, now“. Teal nodded, “Yes, exactly”. “So go rest and get some water, that’s gonna help calm your nervous system down. I love you.” “I love you too. Thank you.” I hugged her and left to find Frederic.

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To be continued.

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