Tonight everything hurts.
I came back from holidays where I felt like my truest self, surrounded by soul family, to a conversation of feeling misunderstood and frankly alien, with my mum.
I was almost crying on the plane home but didn’t want to attract attention so I quietly avoided internal collapse. The woman next to me kept trying to talk to me. I hate how fucking clueless other people are sometimes. That woman. My mum. Fuck.
On the plane I connected to the energy of the mountains below. The mountains feel like objective truth to me. They stand in stark contrast to the humans around them who are lost in lenses of false selves and unchallenged egos. As I write this now I realise I sound extremely cynical and maybe judgmental. But I know, and now you will also, that my anger and swearing is covering hurt and pain. I am in so much fucking pain right now.
Anyway, I connected to the mountains. They told me this was not the end. My guide tells me now that this (experience of being around soul family) was/is a taste of what is to come. But it all still hurts. I feel like I’m bleeding.
I could never thoroughly explain the resonance of soft, homely energy that I felt with Sarah, Amber, Andrea and Claire. I could never thoroughly write out the feeling of fun and freedom, matched with safety and trust that I felt with Bethany, Zach and Blake. I could never express enough the feeling of gold, faith and equal understanding that I felt with Teal. I could never efficiently write out the relaxed acceptance and knowing that I shared with David. I could never ever explain the feeling of total unconditional love and oneness I felt with the giant crystal being (that was part of my soul family).
I wonder if all life can be like this. I have a vague hope there. The pain keeps it from coming any closer to me. Pain is a distance and fog that dims hope’s light.
I keep resisting how sad I feel. I keep going into disassociation. I just. I’m sitting here like I’ve forgotten how to live normal life. My inner child… I think she feels lost and confused. And afraid. Mainly afraid. Which means I am believing something that makes me feel scared. Which is… that I will never experience soul family again. That all of the pieces of my heart (my soul family) are scattered across the world, separated from me, occasionally together for fleeting moments, only to eventually fade into a return to the callous cold of isolation. And here we come back to the emotional signature I left with… that the world, source, god, whatever, is cruel. Because that’s how I felt when I learnt my dog died. Then it was time to go and do workshops and traveling. And now I’m back and the cold is back.
I think I will stay here, in the cold, for now. If I move it will be in resistance. If I freeze it’s because I am scared. Maybe I can just be with scared. And disassociation. I’ll do that.
P.S. I never really had the urge to travel. But then I met them.