Often when you cannot get out of bed, the most self loving thing to do is to stay in bed. Stay, don’t push yourself. Stay, don’t abandon yourself. Stay, be with the you that is in pain.
That is what I did today.
I woke up crippled with anxiety. The same anxiety I went to sleep with. My thoughts flood me, “I have too much to do. I have to get back to all these clients. I have to work. I can’t work when I feel like this. I don’t know what to do (about a decision I am in the middle of making regarding my living situation). I don’t know what the right answer is. I’m in so much pain (about recent heartbreak). I can’t do this. I have to get up. I can’t. How? I can’t.”
Overwhelm paralyses me. I feel a disassociated sort of panic. My heart is beating loudly but I mostly feel numbness. I am writhing on the inside but trapped in the immobility of the freeze response.
Most people do not understand what Anxiety, Panic, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is like to live with. They do not understand why one cannot simply, “just get on with it”. Most people do not realise that anxiety and panic is the result of post traumatic stress, so they often tell themselves when they experience it that they ‘should just be able to deal with this’, instead of recognising that their body has gone into a natural response to trauma. What such people must realise is a trigger that puts you into panic, anxiety, fight, flight, freeze, any of that, is the activation of our ancient autonomic nervous system. This is when our ‘lizard brain’, completely takes over. If you experience a trigger like this, you are valid in your inability to move or cope. Your nervous system is literally not letting you.
Knowing what I know about anxiety and post traumatic stress, I decided to soften the voice of unkindness in my mind yelling at me to ‘just get out of bed!’, with focused presence, towards it and all other parts of me experiencing these feelings. I did the Completion Process on myself.
Wrapped up under the covers, in the dark even at 10am, I tried to breathe. I focused. I repeated this mantra, “I am completely here with you now”, to my body, my emotions, my thoughts, me. I scanned my body. I felt numbness. I felt urgency expressing itself as an intense internal shaking that I can barely describe…it’s as though my cells were frantically moving around inside my body, wanting to run, wanting to fight, but feeling the walls and realising there was no escape. Trapped in fear for eternity. My energy field shook. As I sank deeper into the sensations, tears welled in my eyes. My heart felt heavy. There was a kind of despair or hopelessness within all this desperation. I tried to let it consume me. I felt frustrated at the numbness. I reminded myself that numbness was a sign that I disassociated from the experience that this trigger is linked to, so it is just as valid as all other feelings.
Eventually I sat up from under the covers because I needed the air. I settled into my sensations again and asked, “When was the first time I felt this feeling?” I feel smaller. I feel about 3 years old. My eyes in particular feel like I am 3 years old. I try not to frantically search for the memory, as my mind wants me to do as a way to rush the process, as a way to get out of feeling how I felt. I took another breath in, trying to surrender further and invite patience.
I see a quick flash of imagery in my mind’s eye. My inner 3 year old child self is leading my adult self down a spiral of dark, black stairs. It’s all very fast. I am pulled swiftly down, down, down and then thrown into a prison cell. My younger self slams the door shut and almost yells at me, “It’s for your own good!”. Her face expresses a false sense of determination and slight ferocity…I can easily see through this facade. Her eyes are filled with tears. She is in actuality, petrified.
I recognise this prison imagery. My mind has used it a few times before (usually when I go into the feeling of being imprisoned by life/my pain, that I sometimes experience).
It always looks like this… like a prison in an ancient castle. The stone walls are black, there is a dampness, it is old, so old. It is only dimly lit with one fire torch hanging on the wall. In this instance, the prison and the stairwell are simultaneously representing 2 things.
1. This feeling I have had of overwhelm..It’s not just about work, PTSD, and moving anxieties. It’s about feeling like my shadow, my pain, is too big. It’s overwhelming to me. I’ve felt imprisoned by it. It has felt to me that my shadow is in control of my life, not me. I fall into it, I’m in pain, I heal myself, I’m back on my feet for a day at best, then I’m triggered and in pain, once again. Repeat. It has been and felt overwhelming and imprisoning.
2. It is my mind’s defense mechanism. My mind does not want me to go deeper into my subconscious to see, know, but especially, to feel, this pain I have been suppressing. It is trying to keep me away from the memory tied to this trigger.
I visualise my adult self speaking to my younger self from behind the bars. “I can understand why you want to put me in here. I can understand why you think it’s safer. It’s valid that you don’t want me to see and that you feel like I need to be protected. Thank you for trying to protect me. I’m so sorry you had to feel this way… I really do appreciate you trying to keep me safe. But. I want to be with you when you experienced this pain. I want to feel what you feel. I’m ready. I do want to know. It’s okay if we’re scared. But. I’m willing to know.”
The prison door swings open. “Fine.” My younger self says, reluctantly. She is still keeping her tough facade on. That’s alright. I understand why she wants to seem tough. She takes my hand and together we walk back up the black stairwell. When we reach the top, my body stiffens, fear floods me much more strongly than before and I feel frozen and terrified. I see a flashback burning the once blank screen of my mind’s eye. It flashes repeatedly. I feel small and young. I am looking up and someone is leaning over me, scaring me on purpose. They are hurting me. They are making me feel like I’m about to die and there is no escape. They ensure I know they are in control, not me. Terror fills me but so does the numbness. I feel so very small and helpless. I keep sending my feelings and this part of myself the message, “I am completely here with you. This is valid. Of course, I feel petrified, terrorised, helpless. Of course I feel frozen. Anyone in this situation would.”
(I cannot go into the details of this memory for reasons that will be made clear in the near future).
In the present, a very loud bird starts chirping outside. Then, my friend comes back into the apartment. The noise distracts my focus and the feelings seem to disappear. I try to refocus but I’m scared that as soon as I refocus properly, my friend will come into the room and disturb my process. I realise I have to go and tell him not to disturb me. I hate that this has happened. The memory fades. Numbness returns more fully, as well as this new frustration at being disturbed. I know I cannot abandon my younger self in the middle of this. I visualise her. I ask what she wants or needs right now. She wants to be held. I visualise Mary Magdalene (she is sort of Mary Magdalene, but she is also Mother Mary, and also an unnamed Divine Mother type figure. She is a being I created in my mind, in my safe place as a part of this process, to represent the perfect Mother. I don’t know what to call her, so for the moment I just refer to her as Mary Magdalene) picking her up and holding her. She holds her while I go and tell my friend that I’m doing CP and that I need to not be disturbed. He nods, I go back to bed.
The noises outside and inside continue. I feel so overstimulated. It feels like every noise is invading me, touching me almost. This is my actual nervous system being too stimulated. I have been in fight/flight/freeze for such a long time that I feel like any little thing will, and does, send me ‘over the edge’. I start crying. “I can’t do this. I’m trying to heal and I fucking manifest this. Stop. I need the noise to stop. I’m too sensitive. It doesn’t stop. I can’t fucking do this.” I’m completely flooded with feelings of overwhelm, desperation, hopelessness and the feeling of being trapped inside of all of it. Now I’m just crying about life. I’m crying because I had too much to do, I’m crying because I can’t get out of bed, I’m crying because I had the memory and now it’s seemingly gone, I’m crying because I feel like I’ll never be able to resolve my pain.
I know what I have to do.
I surrender again.
“I am completely here with this feeling.”
As soon as I say that, the feeling disassociates and seems to go back to a kind of numb panic and sadness. I feel my desperation increase. When the feelings leave, it triggers me into, “I’ll never be healed, I can’t access them, I’m stuck”. This spiraling continues on, “too much, too much. I’m too sensitive. I can’t do this. Too much.” I send myself the message again, “I’m completely here with this feeling.” I validate myself, “Of course I feel overwhelmed and like it’s all too much. I was just trying to heal and then I got pulled out of it. Of course that makes me feel desperate and hopeless. It’s right that I feel this way.”
I take another breath.
“When was the first time I felt this feeling?”
I’m back where I’ve been before. I’m back at the scene of my birth. I don’t really see much. I am feeling though. I’m feeling…too much. I feel a sense of invasion, violation, sensory overload, overwhelm and helplessness because I can’t get away from any of it. I cry deeply. I continue the mantra of, “I’m completely here with this feeling”. My heart feels so heavy. “I can’t do this. I’m too small, I’m too sensitive, I can’t be here. I don’t want to be here.” My fear is wrapped inside a blanket of powerlessness and helplessness. My body feels weak in response. I ask if my baby self wants someone to be with her as she cries and feels all of this. I see a pink energy being. She feels soft and familiar. I remember her. I don’t quite know who she is but she feels like, ‘Mother’ to my baby self. She feels so soft and loving. She hovers around my baby self as a glowing light of love, concern and care.
I cry for 15 or 20 minutes.
“I give myself permission to feel this feeling.”
I cry louder.
I envision Mary Magdalene and this pink light being telling my baby self, “You are right to feel this feeling. Anyone, anyone experiencing this would feel exactly the same way. You get to feel powerless, helpless, like it’s all too much, overwhelmed, violated, because you’re right. These people should have taken more care with you. You ARE small and sensitive and this world is big. Anyone else would feel this same fear that you feel. We are with you in this. We are sorry you feel this way, but we are here as long as you want us to be. You don’t have to stop feeling this way. We’ll stay forever with you in this. We love you.” I keep crying. I also feel the familiar type of crying that is grief, combining with the already present bout of tears. The grief is from finally getting what was needed (permission to feel how I feel), and the loss of all the time this permission was never here. It’s almost a sad gratitude, too.
So, I’m crying for awhile longer… then I feel like relief is starting to come… the crying is fading.
I feel a great despair wash over me.
The despair turns into a complete giving up. I recognise this frequency so well… futility.
I stop crying but it’s not relief. It’s just…”I give up”. I sit in silence and stillness. My body feels like a great weight I never asked for. This life feels like a great weight I never asked for. I admit to how I feel,”I don’t want to be here. I’m… It’s too much. I can’t. I won’t.” I realise that what I need/ed, and what my baby self needs, is to be allowed to give up. This soft being of pink light, Mary Magdalene, and my adult self, we send this permission to my younger self. “You get to give up. You are allowed to give up. It is valid to want to give up. It is valid to be in this state of futility.”
I feel it more.
“What do you really need?” I query.
The response is swift because I already know it on some level, “to die.”
“Okay, you can die if you want to. We’ll still be here with you in that too.”
By younger, baby self closes her eyes and then she is completely still. I sit with the stillness. We all sit with me in this. I intend, “All fractured aspects of this younger self, I now call you to return, to re-merge with this part of yourself, if you want to.” I see a bunch of small, little lights flying. I see how many aspects there are. Maybe 20, maybe 100. I’m overwhelmed by it. I just want to be with the stillness, the deadness. With my baby self’s permission, I visualize Teal coming to call them all, telling them it’s safe now. I put her in charge of it because she is someone I completely trust in this process. I know she will be able to make sure all are collected. I know she will take great care of every single one. Eventually they are gathered and they flow into this baby me, to merge as the one that they once were.
I continue, “What else do you want or need right now?”
She starts to show me. She wants to be wrapped in a soft, pink blanket. I visualise this around her. Then, without my asking, she is completely showing me.
I see us walking along a dirt path of desert and still night. I know what’s about to happen. We stop in a great expanse of starry sky and pure Earth. It’s like a desert. There is no one and nothing but adult me, the pink light being, Mary Magdalene and the baby, dead, me who is being carried by Mary.
A shovel appears. I know it has to be (adult) me. I pick up the shovel and I start lifting the Earth. I can see it so clearly. As the hole gets deeper, the Earth grows damper. There are roots from invisible trees sprawled along the side of the deepening grave site. As odd as it sounds, it has the feeling of an inviting, safe space of peace and sanctuary. We are all quiet and solemn but we know the peace this will give my younger self. She shows me what she wants and so I visualise it… A white rectangular box that is a coffin. It has pastel pink blankets and small pastel purple pillow. Instantly, my younger self teleports herself into this new safe place of resting. There is a deadness to her. She is empty. But there is also her at the same time and we can feel her peace. I place the lid on the box and see her cradled in safe darkness. It’s like I can feel her still, and my adult self. I am both, after all.
I shovel dirt back onto the grave. It hits the box and creates patterns of swirled dust. I keep shoveling. The soft pink light being is staying with my baby self. She hovers inside of the Earth with her, keeping her inescapably accompanied by love. The Earth is back where it was. The grave is complete. Suddenly a giant, giant tree grows from seedling to giant in only seconds. It stands as guardian, protector to this baby self. She is the one doing this, not me. She is so powerful. I love her power. I love her. A fairy hovers beneath the Earth with this baby self too. She flies, hangs around, leaves. Another passes. They pass in succession here and there.
And then… then it’s like a story that my younger self wants and needs to live takes over:
“And so, the forest grew. A great forest grew all over and around the grave. The green arches and expands. Light trickles between the blanket of tree canopy. Soon, hundreds of years pass and no one knows that she rests beneath. She is forgotten by all people and in this she feels safe. She is not forgotten by the forest, though. There is a silent knowing in all of the beings here. And all of the beings…only magical beings can be here in this forest. There is no one but her and the forest.” As these words flow through my mind, I see a great forest grow, like a fast moving time lapse. Flowers bloom, vines slowly yet steadily grow upwards and all around. Moss and ferns emerge. Trees grow and lean. Air flows and light filters in.
Fairies fly by all the time. Silver. Dappled sunlight, my favourite kind of light, dances upon leaves, it creates more light, sparkling and pristine. Unicorns graze by, and sometimes guard, the grave. There is grass and fern all over it. It is completely disappeared beneath the forest floor. But in all of it, in all the growth and time, the great tree stands steady and completely still. He stands still and silent, like he holds a great, grand and precious secret not yet ready to be rediscovered. Because he does.
I watch and feel the peace and the growth. “Yes, 100 years. It could even be a thousand years. You can take as much time as you want. I am here with you”, I say to the part of me that lies beneath dirt.
Suddenly, a great column of light erupts from beneath the Earth, from the grave. It seems so sudden, but also like it is a steady growth at the same time. It flows swiftly and powerfully through the Earth, through the forest floor, beyond the forest and upwards into the canopy and the sky, so endlessly high that it’s end cannot be seen.
I know what’s happening.
My younger self is choosing to rebore herself.
I watch. I briefly wonder about the memory we left. I wonder if there is anything my younger self wants to do or change in the scene. This light then seems to extend a great, thick tendril back down into the scene of the memory, it ignites the memory in light and then all of it is gone. It is bathed and then it is just gone. The tendril returns to the great column. This great column that is my reborn self, flies upwards and splashes into the water of purification inside my safe place. The safe place water floods it with total purification and renewal. In a moment it is all returned to the column, glowing in purity.
I ask, “What do you want or need now? Do you want to go to the safe place? Do you want to merge? We can stay here if you want, too.” The light comes towards me, the adult me, and I know she is ready. No needs, no wants, just ready to rejoin my current self in total integration. I breathe this great column of energy into my heart. It feels huge and expansive, but also good.
After a moment of breathing, I realise there is an element of fear present. I investigate it. I recognize it. I feel afraid because I fear this greatness that I am. I wonder, “What will become of me? (the me I know myself to be now)”. I know that by integrating more of my consciousness, who I think I am is changing. That unknown, that question mark of identity, it creates some fear, a feeling of not being in control, a feeling like my consciousness is ‘bigger than me’ (even though I simultaneously know it is just a larger part of me).
I try to see what this aspect of myself who is afraid looks like. It’s me when I’m apparently about 10 or 15… it’s also me, now at 25. I validate this fear for all of me. “Of course. Of course I feel scared and like it’s weird and unknown.” Then I realise someone else is there, talking to me too. It’s the soft, pink, light being. I realise it’s familiar because… it’s me. It’s my higher self. My higher self becomes clearer now, she has a form of pink, gold, white, peace and knowing. This is not creative visualisation anymore, this is a message from my soul. She says to me, “It’s okay that you feel this way. You are becoming. You’re becoming who you always were, who you already are. It’s you. You get to have you back again. But it’s okay to be scared too. Let’s be scared together.” I realise she is right, and that that is what this aspect of myself most needs – to be allowed to be scared, not to try to get rid of it at all.
I ask this aspect of myself if she wants or needs anyone to be with her in her fears. I see the deep, dark eye of my Unicorn spirit guide, Mayasaira. His eye is deep, black and dark, but it actually holds a flame inside of the pupil. He has fire inside of him.
He shows me this, in this zoomed-in way, because it is a sign of fierce protection and commitment to the honour he feels of being a guardian for me. I can feel his face, cheek, mane. I can see his beautiful, silver, horn that glitters. I let this fearful aspect of myself stand behind him, her face leaning on his strong cheek and then in his neck and mane. It doesn’t get rid of the fear, it makes her feel safer to feel it and be allowed to keep it.
Mayasaira’s strength is so steady. My higher self, her peace is a strength I feel I can hold onto that steadies me too. “Okay.” I feel the fear soften into an acceptance, and I feel the desire to become more whole reignite.
This great light that I am flows into my heart again. I see it spreading to all of my body, all of my cells. I see my baby self catching up to who I am now. I tell this part of myself as she re-integrates, “You can grow now. We’re 25 now. Thank you for coming back.”
I am glowing white and gold.
I sit in silence in the dark of 12pm with myself for some moments. I don’t open my eyes yet. I feel some grief and gratitude. I can’t believe it. I cry a little bit. I’m getting my whole soul back. I have missed her. I can’t believe I remembered my soft, pink, ‘Mother’ being that guided me and surrounded me when I was little. I can’t believe that she is me. Yet I can. I can believe all of it.
I can still feel Mayasaira’s cheek against mine. I can feel and hear the connectivity in the trees outside more than before. I feel expansive, huge. I know everything about the room I am sitting in because my energy field is as big as it. I can see inside the record player. When I was outside I could hear the water inside the trees that they disperse through their system. I can hear and feel the trees talking to each other a lot. I can hear my spirit guides louder than before. I can feel my Pleiadian family with me – I realise it’s like I have a permanent radio signal to them at the top of my energy field. I had not really noticed that until now.
(I notice that I am more of myself. I notice that simultaneously, I am more of the world.
And this teaches me about oneness.
Truly, as I become more of me, I also become more of everything else.
I love this, as much as it also terrifies me).
This is what happens with integration. Not only do you unhook yourself from the pain you were in… when you go into the shadow, you get exactly the same amount of light back to yourself. You are reuniting with lost parts of yourself, of your energy stream. Who you are seems to change because at present, you are not all of who you are. With integration, you become who you were before you fractured off and disowned pieces of yourself as a way of surviving your traumatic experiences. With integration, you can regain lost talents, positive attributes of self, energy levels, presence in life (really being in the Now), abilities, all of that, as well as the ultimate and most important thing – unconditional acceptance of your true self.
I had a few realisations about the things that I was triggered about in the present. I realized that my healing will take as long as it takes. Resisting the, what I have deemed as, ‘slow’, pace of the process, only makes me run into inefficiency due to the very nature of resistance. I have softened within myself. I have made a decision about my housing situation. I can feel more of my heart and what I truly want. I am not panicked. I am… dare I say it… hopeful. And, I realised, today is the first day of Spring.