From a Triggered Space

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Everything is annoying me. The little pieces of hair around the front of my face irritate my nose. My sore throat is only feeling comfortable when I’m drinking a liquid. My cats are annoying me like crazy – Rose keeps jumping in front of the computer and rubbing all over it/me, leaving endless amounts of fur in her wake and rendering me unable to see what I’m writing. Panda is meowing incessantly because he has anxiety and wants to go outside. I feel too hot with my jacket on but too cold without it. The noise from the cars outside feels like a razor dragging on and permeating my energy field. I clean my glasses only to find another smudge on them when I put them back on. This happens on repeat. All of it is making me feel like I am about to burst with irritation.

I know I’ve been triggered into irritability, which is a layer of anger. I know anger only comes to us when we feel our boundaries have been or are about to be violated. I try to pinpoint when this feeling started…

I woke up feeling unsafe and a bit sad.

I woke up from being in a dream with my friends whom I was recently with in America. I woke up in the middle of it. That felt like being torn away from them against my will. Boundary violation (by my own waking mind).

The feeling of being unsafe has permeated me since the day I left the U.S. (I have been back for 2). My favourite spiritual teacher and beautiful friend, Teal Swan, wrote a blog on the imminent happenings in this world. I read it the day I left. It was a cryptic message but yet not really…
When I landed in the U.S. I felt exactly what Teal wrote about combined with uncertainty and just, such a palpable feeling of unsteadiness. There is a build up of collective uncertainty that everyone can unconsciously feel in the U.S. The human mind hates, hates, hates, uncertainty because there is nothing it can feel solidified by in it. The human mind hates not-knowing. So, as an illogical attempt to control situations that the mind feels are uncontrollable due to the not-knowing, it sets upon a new mission of worrying. Worrying lets our mind feel like something is solid and can be controlled. By hypothesising situations and examining how we will deal with it, the mind gets to feel relief from the desperation inherent in trying to find something solid/to control in uncertainty. In uncertainty there is another option other than worrying, which is, to hope or to have faith. But our mind rarely sees that as a valid option. The mind likes to hypothesise negative situations and how to deal with them (i.e. worry) because the mind is, in it’s natural predisposition, all about ensuring survival. It is trained to always consider the negative first, not to have faith or hope first, because in it’s experience of survival in human life thus far, being prepared for the negative outcomes is more likely to ensure survival than simply hoping for the positive outcome. As awakened, conscious beings, we/I know that this truth is not so. We know that the perspective or belief that you adopt becomes the reality. But this new awareness is not as heavily ingrained in our mind as these older patterns of survival and beliefs (yet!).
So, we have millions of people in a state of uncertainty with a mind that moves to worry to find relief from that uncertainty, hence we build a spiral of negative worrying and hypothesising, hence we give birth to the vibration of imminent doom. That doom is overlaying the unsteadiness and uncertainty. It is uncomfortable and the furthest feeling from safety.

Like others’, my mind runs wildly towards imagining the very worst outcomes. I see it doing this and for a little while I am completely my inner child… completely full of fear. I feel panicked by the pressure of survival. I feel my life is threatened. I feel overwhelmed, not knowing how to start to feel better or how to live a life where chaos is imminent. I shortly realise I should not resist my worry or my fear. It is valid. Why would I not worry? I so often think I should stay in a state of love and peace because of my awareness… because I understand exactly what is happening. I know where all this is headed. But. Is that fair to expect of the human in me? No. My fear is valid and understandable.

As I validate my inner child, spiritual insights and intuitions start to pour in through my crown chakra. Epiphanies and transformation of thought happens inside my mind and dotted between the anxiety of unsafety are realisations of peace:

Maybe I can use this as an opportunity to train my neurons from this old survivalist pattern of thinking (jumping to worry), and into a new pattern of…hope.

What a brilliant catalyst all my fear is for love. As I don’t resist my fear, I transform it into love just by holding space for it. Love, the opposite vibration of fear!

I know the doom and the darkness… I know you… and I know what you really mean. You really mean rebirth and the greatest of dawns.

All this division we will see… It has already always been there. This is the eruption of the human collective subconscious. It is the end of our collective mind’s suppression. We can never fully heal what remains unconscious to us. As it arises into full awareness, and we feel it completely and fully, it transforms. We may soon feel and experience the fullness of our darkness, our separation and division… So it can catalyse us into desiring and thus creating it’s total opposite. The light, the light, the light, oh, the light. How brightly we will shine and in unison.

I get it now. I get why I have been so dragged into this new purpose of ‘flow’ or ‘surrender’. How could I hold and share the light of hope that burns in me if I am resisting the dissolution of this place? This dissolution that is necessary for the dawn I embody to completely rise?
Even as I hypothesise that I may lose everything…I feel the vibration of freedom and purpose inside of fear that comes with it too. I now get why I see Teal’s ‘Non-Attachment’ frequency flashing in my inner clairvoyant vision. If I am to be completely free, I must be completely freed.

My fear remains, but lessened some. I hold space for it and watch it transform into love.

I have felt frustration at myself today too because I had applied an expectation upon myself. This expectation was that my first blog I write since getting back has to be one that is inspiring or joyful. It should be about my trip to the U.S. and all the love I grew during it. Or, it should be an inspirational perspective on the imminent changes happening on our planet. That expectation was part of what was causing my irritability. I felt restriction in myself, which feels like being controlled, which feels like an emotional boundary violation against myself, from myself. Time and time again I come back to the re-understanding that it is ridiculous to try to embody anything other than what you are. But time and time again, the part of me that is conditioned to be or act a certain way in order to get or maintain ‘love’, takes over. I say, ‘love’, in these quotation marks, because I understand that this ‘love’ I may seek inside of such confines can only ever be conditional and thus false love. True, real, love does not fit inside a box of expectation, confines or conditions. And when I step outside of my conditioned response perspective, I feel into my heart and I know that free, unconditional love, is the only kind of love that my soul truly wants or needs. So, here I write what I embody at present… and so I continue.

Panda has been meowing all day. His meows make me want to help him but I can’t help him, so I feel desperation instead. His continued meows feel like an assault on my system. Every meow is a loud noise of pain that signifies my helplessness (because I cannot help him). I can’t help him because he has anxiety that he really needs to but won’t accept in himself. I can’t help him because I can’t let him outside because it’s too dangerous for him. I feel like I ‘should’ be able to help him. I’m his mum, and I have the ability to talk to animals no less. I ‘should’ be able to solve every problem. But I can’t in this. His anxiety is so triggering to me it renders me helpless to try to resolve it. If it didn’t trigger me, we would sit together and get to the root of it. That is the necessary work that needs to be done. But the trigger of helplessness and incapability it invokes in me leaves me useless. I feel like a failure even as I see that I really shouldn’t expect myself to react any differently when this is a trigger and this is what triggers do – they take over and your emotional system is in control until it feels heard, validated, understood (or it is simply re-suppressed – this is what happens when we choose to ignore our emotions). So, I try to find the love in me that can hold space for this. I tell Panda I’m sorry he feels this way and that I love him. I try to send myself the same message.

At this point in my writing, the emotional charge from when I began has very much dissipated. Anger, irritability, fear, so often I find these emotions often only long to be fully felt and heard before they reintegrate to some degree. I know I have more work to do on the feelings of helplessness that both my unsafety and Panda’s cries make me feel, but for the moment the call to do full integration work is not ringing. There is a deeper need that is next to be met. It is the inner child wanting to just feel safer and some comfort. Blankets, validation, tea, crystals, rest.

I will soon write of my experiences in the U.S… For now I will say that it was beautiful and I miss my friends so much that it somehow seems to hurt my bones.

group photo weddingFrederic, Blake, Adriana, Alice and I @ Teal & Ale’s wedding in Utah


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