Fear of the Goddess

freya goddess
Image by Nuria M

I have been experiencing some resistance to doing my channeling work lately. Today I investigated it. Some people call this, Shadow Work…

The problem has been that… I have found it so easy to channel, to the point that my inner critic doubts that what is coming in is truth. It makes it all really difficult. I have wondered to myself, “most people need to get really out of it, go into deep trance, and then the words come. For me, I just need maybe a few minutes, sometimes no minutes, and then it’s all happening. What does this mean? What if my brain is just talking bullshit?” But then the more knowing part, the part that is not the inner critic says, “No. I just don’t need all that preparation time because this is natural to me.”  And I know this because as soon as I sit down to ‘prepare’ and get myself into a trance, my intuition says to me, “this is not necessary”, I also know this from countless channelings I have done where the information coming through was completely verified. I can sense and feel the other being’s energy, I know they’re within me and the information has always been accurate.

And so, here we see it all comes back to that same old fear. The fear of being a fraud.
And I know that the fear of being a fraud is just a protection, a defense mechanism, so that I can stay good, because to my inner child, only evil people have this level of power, and if I am evil then I am definitely not lovable. So, if I convince myself of either being a fraud, or just not very good, I will always be stuck in self doubt and thus am protected because I can never get to that powerful level where I will be perceived as evil.

As I sat there in my resistance and realised where it was coming from, I felt the familiar urge to channel. It is an urge to speak that seems to come from somewhere else. I felt her energy. One of play and light… elemental in it’s nature. They (Elohim beings or elementals) always feel like at least a bit like play to me – play is an energy that holds within it the high frequencies of love, joy and creation. I asked who she was: “Freya”.

And she spoke in light language to me and my inner child for a few moments, the translation pouring through my mind telepathically, “Step outside of this perspective. See that you are simply a being who does not need this preparation. You are a gifted being. Allow yourself to trust it. Let it be so.” You know, I don’t really remember what else she said. I think that’s because it doesn’t matter. She had this motherly energy to her that was so encouraging. She spoke to me like I am her child, growing and learning, but also with respect, knowing that I am divinity remembering where I come from.

And all of it makes me realise. I’m just so afraid of admitting how very powerful I am. My claircogizance is very fast and strong. I pose a question to myself in my mind, the answer comes almost instantaneously. I don’t need to meditate and envision a tall, marble building to access the akashic records. It flows through my mind and the air around me. I don’t need to meditate and clear every single thought in my mind and put my body to sleep to channel. I already have the degree of openness necessary within me anyway. My whole body reacts in resistance to people who are emotionally dangerous. At times, I have even unconsciously turned off most aspects of my intuition that would have alerted me to such dangers so I wouldn’t have to face the truth that I cannot always safely accept everyone as they are.

And as I fall into that feeling of admitting to my magical wonder, there is a sadness. And that sadness is the recurring feeling of, “I do not belong”. Seeing and knowing a lot, it triggers my mind into comparison to ‘the rest of society’ and that makes me feel alone. And then I think about how hard I have found this life, how difficult it has been to be a human, how I feel I will never fully ‘get’ some perspectives on a human level (like the kind that create war, mindless anger and rage, defensiveness that is lost in sleeping minds)… After I console my inner child and wrap her in my own arms, telling her that who she is is acceptable, as she is, I recall what a good friend once said to me, “You just have to find your unicorns”. Those people who feel as I do. Those people who like me, are emotionally and intuitively powerful, to the degree that we, all of us, are inspired to create a new Earth, the call we were answering upon our incarnation here in the first place.

As I observe a great being like Freya, one who is known for both her magic and her strength, I know she is here because her song matches the one my inner child has been singing… a yearning for acceptance of my own magic and strength. A yearning to let go of the fear of the Goddess within and what I make her power mean (too much power –> evil). I know I have made my differentness mean evil. I know it’s not truth. I’m still working on it. Still letting go. Still coming to believe the notion that I am innately good, that the choices we make with power is what determines the quality of our intention (good vs. evil), not the very notion that power is a part of who we are.

You cannot deny what you are.

(On a spiritual level, I do not agree at all with the notion that evil exists. Anything ‘evil’ is merely the reflection of a part of us that is suffering from a deep illusion of separation between itself and Source. Dark is merely the absence of light. However, the *concept* of evil is a very real thing in the human collective, as we are still existing in a duality based society, thus such a concept can still wreak havoc on the mind of the inner child who was raised under such paradigms).

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