In the last few days I have just been bleeding. Bleeding emotion, bleeding poetry, bleeding entire pieces of myself until they are ready for final release from my veins. I have had a day where I literally could not get out of bed for the futility that drowned me. I have had days where I have felt complete and total torture within myself. I lay on the floor crying. I have walked around with the thought, “I am in so much pain” just repeating in my head – the song of my dying spirit, stuck like a skipping disc. I have ignored messages from everyone and have had to put off work.
All of this comes on the heels of taking risks with my heart – total exposure. I have exposed what I have felt in me with complete revelation. I have hidden nothing. I took down all facades. I said what most of us are dying to say but don’t. “This is what I need. This is how I feel. This is what I want. This is my internal world. This how I perceive you. This is how I perceive the external world.” I exposed myself in my rawest state because I am moved to find a life of total allowing. This year I have been moved to say a complete goodbye to fear. Fear should never be a source of direction or guidance for our life path, for our decisions, because it is born out of resistance. We can only ever be saying, “No”, to our highest good and expansion and “Yes” to staying stuck, when we make our decisions from a space of fear. Fear is the opposite vibration of love. Fear is the opposite of who you really are.
As you might have noticed from my writing and social media, I don’t have much of a problem anymore with expressing my truest, authentic self to the public. What I have been terrified of, is completely sharing myself to the same degree, let alone a larger degree, to those who I am close to. If you took a snapshot of my personal negative core beliefs relative to connection, it would make sense why this is the case:
“I am alone”
“I am evil”
“I am a fraud”
“I am repulsive”
“There is something innately wrong with me”
“I do not belong”
“I am unwanted”
“I am unlovable”
My inner child feels like I have to hide the part of me that is ‘evil’, the part that is ‘a fraud’ and the part that is ‘repulsive’. My inner child is terrified that the people who connect with me are only going to do so for so long. Once they get close enough, deep enough, they will see through my facade (“I am a fraud”) and see that I am really, in truth, “evil” and “repulsive” (literally repelling and dangerous to others). My inner child takes every time someone loved me but then left me (romantic disconnection, friend disconnection, death and loss, any kind of disconnection with someone who ever said or acted like they might love me and then left) as evidence or proof that, “they liked the surface of me, but then they saw deeper within and found me out – that I am not something to be wanted at all – they have left because there is something innately wrong with me. They are repulsed by me. I am evil and not lovable at all. I am a fraud and they uncovered this truth. This is the only explanation as to why the left me.”
As I was brought into all of these negative emotional imprints as well as my core negative imprint of futility in recent days, I did the terrifying thing – I shared every feeling and thought with those near to me. As I said, it’s been easy for me to be brave in my authenticity to people I don’t know, or don’t know well, because I am not yet invested in their acceptance of me. There is no risk. This, this was different. I am already completely invested in their presence in my life. I laid out before them the very things I am petrified they are going to leave me for. But I did this because I know that total authenticity is the only way to manifest total authentic love. I did this because I know that this is what I what I want. I want a) freedom from my own fear/resistance, a life of total allowing and b) a life that is full of real love and connection. So, I bled out and bared myself in total surrender.
And my voice shook with the fear of disconnection, but my empowered heartbeat held steady. And do you know what doing this gave me? A new kind of total freedom and security in those relationships, that I have never had before. There is this freedom in revealing everything you are afraid you will be rejected for – you’ve already shared it. So now, they’ve got all the ammunition you were trying to never let them have access to, and they either kill you… or, they don’t and you can now know for sure that that’s them responding with total acceptance of the entirety of you. Now, for the first time in that relationship, there is no fear of rejection, zero. No walls, no hesitations, no facades. Think of what can grow on that foundation. Nothing but love. That beautiful surrender leaves only spacious allowing. There is total lack of resistance, of fear. Only beautiful, real things can grow from that.
And it doesn’t even matter if the other party cannot surrender too. If you do your surrender, and you become without fear, like I said, all that can grow upon that within you is love. You grow beauty and you feel and know freedom and know that you have increased your point of attraction for that to be reflected to you in any and all relationships in your life ten fold if that is what you desire.
And one day the whole world will look like this.
A foundation of love and freedom.
I know it.