Alchemy

art dove water
Lately, I have been feeling panic. It is a panic that looms in the background, expressing itself in my hypersensitivity to noise and movement, the shallowness of my breath and how quickly I feel overwhelmed by things that would not normally be overwhelming. They call it, “anxiety”… but, I have found that if you sit with your anxiety, you will find it is rooted in a larger concentration of itself, what we call, “panic” (… and panic is rooted in fear).

I sat down to do The Completion Process with myself on this feeling. It was difficult because the feeling was expressing itself in this way where it lies beneath the surface. It felt distant and faded. It was afraid of coming to the surface, because I was afraid of feeling it fully (perhaps inherent within anxiety is the fear of feeling panic, thus it’s expression as ‘anxiety’ and not panic).

I tried to feel the sensations of this panic in my body. My body felt quite numb. It was hard to feel any sensation at all. I sent this panicked part of myself the message, “I am completely here with you now.” and, validation: “It’s okay to feel scared and panicky. I know you wouldn’t be feeling that way without reason. Life has been scary lately. It’s okay to feel this way.” The feeling would strengthen slightly, temporarily: a quickening of breath, a tensing of the muscles in my legs, but then, return to numbness. I also began to feel extremely sleepy. I kept losing track of what I was doing… you know when you are starting to fall asleep and you start to almost dream, whilst still a bit awake? Kind of like that. I allowed the tiredness. “It’s okay to feel tired. I am completely here with feeling tired and sleepy, as well as with you, panic.” My sleepiness intensified. I ended up allowing myself to lie down, repeating to myself, “I’m completely here with you. It’s okay to be tired. If you are too scared to show me more of the panic, if you are too scared to show me where it comes from, it’s okay.” I knew the tiredness to be a defense mechanism of my being, a way of escaping having to feel this feeling fully. The Completion Process is a the process of allowing and being completely present with whatever arises, even the defensive strategies of a resistant mind, knowing that even they respond to such unconditional presence with an eventual dissolution.

There was fear about feeling my fear. I realised the part of me that was panicking was too scared to go into it any further without having someone else present. I offered myself to this part again, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” But I kept almost falling asleep. I learnt that this part of myself truly needs someone else to be with her when she does feel this feeling more fully. “Okay. That’s completely understandable. You don’t have to go into it alone. What can I do right now though? Is there anything you might want or need?” She tells me she wants to float into the golden light of Source (the safest place she knows). I visualise her floating into the warmth of the All That Is. I recognise this is representative of wanting to sleep, too. I let the tiredness wash over me even more.

I’m starting to fall asleep. I’m kind of almost dreaming. But then suddenly, the panic comes up, stronger than before. It’s not distant anymore. It’s in my chest. I feel like I can’t get much air. I feel frightened.
“I’m completely here with you, it’s okay to feel this way.” I send this message to the sensations in my being, and to the inner child I know that they represent. She might be in the golden light, but another aspect of her is reacting to the unconditionality she has experienced… The validation, the permission that everything is okay, that it’s okay to be too scared and to just go to sleep, all of that has made the parts of her that feel the feeling more strongly to feel safe enough, to trust me enough, to become more present upon the surface of my consciousness, instead of in the hidden beneath.

I ponder what the most self loving thing to do is. I ask this part of myself, “Do you want to tell me about a memory? When the first time you felt this feeling was?” Resistance. The answer is no. It’s still too scary to go into alone. I realise I am now called into an even greater practise of unconditionality… to feel this feeling, and not do the process I know would allow for it’s healing and transformation. “Okay, it’s okay to feel this way. I will feel this feeling forever if we need/want to.” Now I can feel an asking from the part feeling this for this same allowing, yes, but also, with the addition of, comfort (not to disallow, cover up or deny the feeling, but to provide support as long as it remains). I am called to provide self loving comfort to myself with the intention of still allowing an uncomfortable feeling.
I ask, “What would be helpful?” She asks for my teddy bear. I go and get it. It’s not enough. I intuitively sense she needs more. I ask again, “What else would you want or need?” She doesn’t know. But then, I think I do. I feel an internal, ‘yes’, from my inner child at this.

I sit up and go into a kind of meditation where I feel these sensations in my body, describe how they feel to increase presence upon them, and continue feeling them. I’m doing the process called, “Follow the Feelings” by Teal Swan. It feels much like a meditation to me.

I follow the feelings. My panic intensifies. My breathing is sharp and short. My chest feels full and like it might explode. My thoughts race, “I’m scared, I’m scared.” I do a little validation, “It’s okay to be scared”, and keep returning my focus to my physical sensations, breathing into them and then describing them to myself, and repeat. Eventually, after only about 3 minutes of this, the feeling starts to expand and then it’s moving through my energy system. It’s like it’s falling away and out from my chest and spreading into… just becoming clear energy. Transformation. I feel relief. My eyes well with tears because of my reaction to the relief – gratitude, wonder, and marvel at the experience and process of alchemy.
Then comes the feeling of connection to my own internal being. It’s always there, it never leaves, but so often it is painted over by emotions and mind. I love to feel this feeling of an almost no-feeling…Source within. Then my awe and wonder comes back at the magic. All the magic.

What I realise in this is that all our being ever wants is unconditional presence. And I know it, I’ve known it, we all know it. But do you see? Do you feel? The alchemy! What is it? Why does it occur? I’m drawn to study it. I’m called to know it. And in that, I understand my life. I could never be called to explore such majesty if I did not know great pain. I understand that through the process of my own enlightenment, something new becomes. I think it might be called freedom. But it’s so much, those words feel limiting. And here I see the image of a dove… it’s my being telling me that the word I’m looking for is…peace. I ponder for a moment, “What about freedom? Is freedom the by-product of peace? Or is peace the by-product of freedom?” “If humans knew their peace, they would feel free.“, my Higher Self tells me.
Peace. One word to describe the ineffable connection to life, to Source, our very essence.

All I know is that on the great, grand edges of the dark universe of infinity and potential energy, something waits. It’s my awakening, but it’s not just mine. It’s going to be everyone’s.

peace quote

“Somehow
All of this mess
Is just my attempt to know the worth of my life
Made of precious metals, precious metals
Precious metals inside.”
Mercury – Sleeping at Last
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJsF7sHpaPs )



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